Get off my Lawn

by kara on November 6, 2014

please don’t read this.

Another mid-term election filled with terrible people and then writing about them in joke form for entertainment. Leading you through the feverish and diseased minds of the wingnuts is a joyless slog. Once again, all the skeletal, ferret faced dim witted fuckheads managed to deceive their way into victory with once again the power of Anglo-populism. You might think more than 30-35% of eligible voters might actually try voting against the assholes that make their lives miserable. But you’d be wrong.I mean, it’s not like you young folks aren’t paying attention. Do you have to go to the library pr to your dad’s encyclopedia brittanica to get your intel? NO, you do not.  Only about one quarter of eligible millennial voters — defined as people between the ages of 18 and 29, who grew up during the new millennium — voted in Tuesday’s midterm elections. Millennials are the largest and most racially diverse generation in the country’s history. What is their fckng problem? By 2015, they will make up a third of the electorate, they could swing several races, God help us.You Millennials are gonna have a Rand Paul-flavored “Reagan Youth” moment of libertarianism. Intergenerational tensions are deliberately cranked up by the Powers That Is in exactly the same way and for the same reasons that interracial tensions are: keep all the smalls angry at all the other smalls while you loot their shit, yo.osh-darn that Barack Obama, for being so darn divisive! Americans were getting along so splendidly with each other until he came along! Hey baby boomers and Millennial, shut the fuck up already, we’re trying to make sure the world doesn’t implode because the former set us up with fossil fuel power and the latter need to multiple apple produces to do the thinking for you.

Let’s revisit Obama’s 2014 State of the Union Address in which he basically tore apart every Republican policy position known to man, but at least he did it with class. He talked about making it easier for companies to insource jobs rather than outsource them, patent reform, which sounds complicated and you probably dot know jackshit about it, but it is really important, global arming, fracking, solar, oh and end extreme poverty in Africa. Not only does he care about women, but he cares about people making minimum wage. And because Congress, as noted beforehand, sucks hard, Bamz Executive Ordered their asses, for requiring federal contractors to pay their federally-funded employees a fair wage of at least $10.10 an hour because if you cook our troops’ meals or wash their dishes, you should not have to live in poverty. Drafting the executive order to raise contractor pay, funneling money to the opportunity development zones (or whatever they are called), Obamacare coming on line, the Trans Pacific Partnership, Syria and Iran negotiations that are all underway, and so on. Pretty much when he’s said he’s going to do something by executive order, he has – even arguably overstepping his authority on some issues to do it. It’s when he needs Congress to get something done (like transferring the last prisoners from Gitmo in order to shut it the fuck down) that he’s been thwarted. Obama, yes, is coming for your guns and he want Congress to fix the gutted Voting Rights Act, and wants to make sure that voters wait no more than 30 minutes to vote. He decided not to #humblebrag about killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands because he is a fucking master of all the forms of statecraft.

  • The lowest unemployment rate in over five years;
  • Gas prices that are lower than milk prices
  • A rebounding housing market
  • A manufacturing sector that’s adding jobs for the first time since the 1990s
  • More oil produced — more oil produced at home than we buy from the rest of the world, the first time that’s happened in nearly twenty years
  • Our deficits cut by more than half;
  • For the first time in over a decade, business leaders around the world have declared that China is no longer the world’s number one place to invest; America is.

Seriously Demoncrats, maybe next time you don’t want to run so far from the president who has presided over record private sector job growth, record stock market numbers, Osama Bin Forgotten.the-all-important-deficit-reduction,health insurance for millions of Americans, etc. etc.

But young folks, he didn’t repeal DOMA fast enough for you did he? He got us healthcare reform, but it wasn’t single payer, he couldn’t trick the Republicans into helping us enough with our student loans, he didn’t cyanide all the Republican in congress to get those jobs bills passed that were in fact blocked by Republicans, so you don’t have a good job and Democrats are no better than Republicans. ‘He didn’t  sign executive orders for every fucking thing I wanted when I granted this black man my support!! So you say, “to hell with him! And when I say to hell with him, I really mean to hell with my country, or to hell with me…because I happen to be a citizen of this country and I am you g therefore I will have to live with the product of my apathy and stupidity long after you, kara vallow, are dead”.

You don’t convert debt into artisanal hand-killed cupcakes, kids! You convert Flower Power into mustache wax and good vibes, then you do a rain dance, and then ask your mom for cupcake money. And you all want a pony. (only if they don’t have to clean up after it or feed it).[or groom it, or pay to have a farrier, or a veterinarian maintain it). Do you want to be the next Reagan Youth?  ”Obama did not give me anything except reduced student loan payments and health insurance so I do not die of easily preventable diseases and some SNAP benefits so I do not die of scurvy and extended unemployment benefits so I do not die of homelessness except I never held a job long enough to qualify because I quit once I found out the boss of the business was going to tell me to do stuff, HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR I HAVE RIGHTS, MAAAAAN and also Obama made some deals with the devils to keep everyone from going bankrupt in the economic collapse and he did DRONES :( gonna update my tumblr brb.”

So much damage was done to this nation in 8 years of being run by a coked up, sub-intelligent yell leader and his evil buddies that it would have been a challenge to repair the hellscape that  they put us in even with their help. The best they could do is tap their toes, fold their arms and keep saying “Well, what’s taking so long?” to the Black Guy in the White House and pray, good Christians all, for the failure of this President and the nation itself.You are too young to have experienced the true shock and awe of the Bush presidency. Let me tell you how it was (See Bush v Gore. Selected, not elected). You see that while I may have not been always 100% dignified through this losing process, I remained non violent. I certainly did not openly entertain violence, subversion, guns, etc. While I may have loosened the tether to reality through blissful and violent daydreaming, I always understood that it was a daydream as part of a healthy coping mechanism.Yes, I felt horror, disgust, and righteous anger which was a normal response from the bizarre and terrible wormhole created by a stolen election, but I wish to be in a civilized nation and therefore I must do my part to that end and not lash out in a destructive way. You might also know it as impulse control and maturity.

Stages of Grief after Bush Re-Election:

1. A deep and resounding sadness: Exactly 48 hours in fetal position in the dark with tears of disbelief not knowing the country of my origins with all media blackout.
2. Futile resistance/Bargaining: “Maybe they are right, I should leave the country.” I daydream about living in Paris, the wine, the museums, and the cultured peoples who are equally and appropriately appalled at Bush. I face reality that I have no com modifiable skills and all my family is here. I listen to a feed of classical music from Europe, read books, and PRETEND I am European.
3. Hearing my octogenarian dad, who fought in WW2, say: “I don’t want to die with that jackass in office”.
4. Stockpiling 6 months of food and water, again consider emigrating, because “Central and south America have some really great spots for expat families.
5. Acceptance/Dealing: “SNAP OUT OF IT! Remember who you are! You campaigned for Carter as a child and Mondale as a teenager and watched Reagan skunk him twice, the second time in a landslide in the afternoon before the polls closed in California. You *thought* about working for Dukakis. You sobbed and clinked champagne glasses with your friends when Clinton beat George the elder. All this suffering and you were rewarded with two terms of Clinton! Chillax. You can do this. There are drugs and alcohol and Jon Stewart. Hey now, who’s this Obama guy?

DOWN, DOWN WITH OBUMMER. Remember when Obama was going to singlehandedly fix everything that was wrong with America, with socialism? And everyone would feel a great awakening of consciousness, and all our old hatreds would vanish, and we’d all become One in a vast field of organic fair-trade ironic mustaches? That didn’t happen, but at least the National Labor Relations Board is finally charging Wal-Mart with violating labor laws,and hows about the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act? How about telling the DOJ to stop defending DOMA? And to the right-wing courts that keep striking down the stuff he did try as an end run around the most obstructionist congress since Reconstruction?  You think any Republican would have supported that? I suppose you prefer internment camps and lynchings to drones in your liberal presidents. GITMO the hell outta here, kiddos, before I send a unicorn to impale your paleolithic ass.

It was not until 2012 that he was able to appoint anyone to the NLRB - and that he had to do it while the Senate was in recess? Because the Republican party would not stop abusing its power in subvert government function as an act of *sabotage*. They want government to fail because they feel they’d be able to make a power grab during the resulting chaos. Do you really think Mitt Romney’s NLRB would be up Wal-Mart’s ass? Hell, Romney’s entire platform was basically “I will personally execute any worker caught asking for higher wages, better benefits, and a modicum of respect from their employers!” If Romney had been elected president, Senate Democrats would still be filibustering Romney’s NLRB nominations of Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber, a trained seal, and a scrap of brown yarn.

“But but but Obama still hasn’t gotten me that pony that shits vegan cupcakes and 100 dollar bills! HE PWOMISED!!!!”  Maybe Obama didn’t fully appreciate the power and inertia of the deep state, but I knew exactly what I was buying when I pulled the lever twice, not just because I knew this was the best practical option and I didn’t want Walnuts or Thurston Howell III in charge, but because after 8 years of those psychopaths, the idea of a decent and intelligent person, seemed just too good to be true, , a true leader/white person would have taken a fellating corn dog picture.

So sorry your boyfriend Mc Cain didn’t win in 2008. He would have been a real winner. Anyway, at least we gave “One of Them” a chance. Now we can just go back to the tried and true. wink wink :) By this point Palin would be in the second year of her first elected term. Of course she’d have quit by this time next year, but still….and if you love Mitt Romney so much, fckng marry him already. Truth: I seriously though about voting for McCain simply because the mess left by the chimpanzee was so terrible, so deeply, deeply terrible, that no one would be able to mop it up, and whomever got the job would look bad and get blamed for not fixing everything – because the American public is dumber than a box of rocks. The backlash would be too deep and we would have to suffer the consequences in the way of a Santorum or a Bachmann, And then I was in Ocean City, NJ with my mom and the the words “President Palin” came floating over the teevee and we looked at each other, and decided that this Obama guy would be the one to take the heat. McCain as president would’ve unleashed a shitstorm of epic proportions on his political foes as president. .

If you’re disappointed that your Barack the Magic Negro turned out to be a magical fantasy, buck up. So Obama didn’t convert your student loans into artisanal vegan cupcakes, or mustache wax. You contend that “BOFF SIDES DO IT”, you are clearly not gay, or a minority,  or a woman. Because only a straight white male fucking douchebag could be so completely oblivious as to look back at the last 6+  years and think everything would be exactly the same if Donald Trump were president. D’t know what kind of white privileged fucking fuckface you are, but to those of us who would be persecuted and discriminated against by a GOP President, I say fuck you with a rusty porcupine.

Gen X in the house here, and it is a shitty place to be. We started to believe that no matter what a state’s electorate had done in the past, it was composed of rational adults who were capable of voting to protect their own interests. We let ourselves think that ideological idiocy, if it resulted in taking food from hungry children, might be enough to cost a Republican support, even in Kansas. Right when we were supposed to be on the toilsome stairway to old complacency, the economy collapsed several times, and war and things. So we have the Boomers keeping their jobs and promotable positions, we’ve lost 20 years of progress because careers got canceled about halfway through ours, and behind us come the millennial who genuinely believe the Old Ways have ended and the New World shall be comfortable, informal, ironic, and probably artisanal.The Boomer failure on climate and energy will probably go down in history as the most catastrophic failure of any generation of all time. We got excited when Jimmy Carter installed the passive solar on the White House. Progress! Here we go! Then the fucking Reagans came in and ripped them out  and blew the whole  fucking thing up. And it wasn’t Boomers that got his ass elected. There were Alex B Keaton types and our (not my), parents again, we stomped off into our rooms,  and have just recently gotten over our tantrums and it’s like that long national nightmare all over again…

Yes, getting a job in the first place isn’t what it used to be. IN THE NINETEEN FIFTIES!! Just like us, one has to go to college for four years — incurring a shitload of debt along the way — to even get a job answering phones. JUST LIKE US. Money the boomers got to spend on a mortgage down-payment and a nice Buick or whatever is now being spent on four years at college, which is then used to get a job that will hopefully help pay back the college loans. Boomer and Lost Generation voters will tell you they vote Republican TO SAVE THE COUNTRY. They seem to have deeply-held, quasi-religious beliefs that the country is seriously in danger from liberals, because they truly don’t understand the issues. I think the evidence is pretty strong that it’s the Republicans who are actively trying to destroy this country, by taking away every freedom that really matters. Voting rights, making one’s own decisions – I would go so far as to argue that the blatant lying they do on Faux and elsewhere is also an attack on both free speech and free press. By destroying the credibility of the nation’s press they are, in effect, killing it off, substituting a tribe of lunatics who mindlessly repeat whatever the day’s talking points are – and if you think that’s hyperbole, look at North Korea’s state-run press and tell me that’s not Faux in twenty years. By defending their right to lie and pretending they have the right to be televised doing it, they are also destroying the concept of free speech. Pretty soon no one will understand what free speech actually is. The only question I have is why they even bother to pretend they’re “For America.” The country they’re actually thinking of looks more like Haiti under Baby Doc to me. You live in a self constructed, Mylar sealed bubble and constantly insult scientists, professors, and other highly educated people who produce peer-reviewed evidence-based analysis and models with conclusions that runs counter to your bubble world. You keep repeating completely debunked talking points as if they are accepted facts and use the fact they are debunked to argue that they are in fact, true. You hide behind ignorance and your social policies are one long devolution attempting to turn the US into something approximating the Jim Crow South combined with Saudi Arabia. You lie about the results of your economic policies even after impact study and after impact study contravenes your already tenuous initial arguments. You lie about your foreign policy, specifically about the impacts of it on the rest of the world. You lie about global warming and unlike educated people, reject well researched, tested and replicated works that utilize the scientific method in favor of shallow, “bible based” nonsense and the corrupted self-interested viewpoint and cash of companies which benefit the most by global warming not being addressed. You rely on discredited ‘academics’ who refuse to submit their findings in accepted peer-review publications and panels citing ‘political bias’ as to why they are rejected when in reality it is the political bias of the writer which produces such idiocy. he party of discredited policies, emotional manipulation and naked lust for unbridled power is also the party of underhanded chicanery designed to subvert the democratic ideals they so loudly proclaim. At its actual moral core the Republican Party is a a foul festering pustule on the body politic. You are worse than cheaters, you. are a direct assault on democracy. People have died for the right to vote.

We wouldn’t have thought so, but then came Kansas’s shocking flirtation with political moderation in the heady rush of this year’s absolutely insane midterm election. The slate of candidates seemed tailor-made to shock lifelong conservatives out of the deepest ideological comas at least far enough to consider voting for a non-Republican candidate. There was Sam Brownback, who was elected governor in 2010 and got right to work slashing taxes for the very richest people which, mysteriously, converted his state’s surplus to a jagged budget hole into which he tossed the poor and the children until Kansas could toddle, unsteadily, over the top of it. Kansas: when you are a smoldering, starving hulk of ruin due to conservative fiscal policy, DO NOT look to my federal tax dollars to bail your asses out. Live with the Government you say you want. you will continue to just blame it all on the Kenyan Usurper and continue to get reelected- they deserve their misery/ At least Kansas has been a red-state cesspool for a long time… over in Wisconsin, well we are still wondering what the fuck happened to that progressive star – the “Wisconsin Idea”, fightin’ Bob LaFollette, and the largest city in America with actual socialist party mayors for much of the 20th century, Milwaukee. Scott Walker was, in fact, rewarded for his behavior with another term in office. At first, the state seemed poised to sensibly fire him but then rewarded him with another term in office – what with his crack down on the state’s non-existent scourge of voter impersonation, tearing down the state’s long-held respect for union labor, failing to deliver on sweeping campaign promises to create All The Jobs, and throwing partisan bombs on gayness and abortion. How great that this plucky underdog incumbent governor with only the full backing of the GOP machine and tens of millions in out-of-state cash could squeeze out a Win. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one. Do Americans like being poor, or do they really believe that THIS time, the GOP really,REALLY means it when they say they’ll focus on jobs and better wages?

In Colorado, we have a disgraced, court-martialed former Navy chaplain and vicious, certifiable raving lunatic webcast preacher Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt beat - by a whopping 40-point margin – some regular, sane Democrat lady (click the link, kids and tell me Republicans are just the same as Democrats). AK, AR, NE all voted to raise minimum wages. CO rejected personhood measure once more.But guess whom they all voted to become their senators? People who are against their wishes. The same idiocy in Arizona where they managed to elect a new governor who makes jan Brewer look like a genius, along with a slate of GOP nutbags. They even voted for an obviously unconstitutional measure that would give us the right to nullify federal law (can’t wait to watch them piss aways millions of dollars on that one- sorry kids, no school lunches this year, we spent that money in court defending republican masturbatory fantasies). They couldn’t even manage to elect a pro solar power team to the corporation commission in AZ. Apparently the yokels would rather burn fossil fuels than use the most abundant resource in that hellatious state.Over in Massachusetts, having apparently forgotten the hideous ordeal of getting gay marriage and socialized health care under Mittens Romnington, decided to roll the dice with another Republican governor. We have a new Michele Bachmann, with a hyena laugh straight from the depths of hell (the U.N., which she believes is COMIN TO GITCHA, because that is a very normal thing for a United States Senator to believe). WTF, Oklahoma? Admittedly you live in a hellish—flat, barren, mind-numbingly boring, tornado-prone, and clearly not meant for human habitation (hence, why we forced the Indians there) wasteland, but besides that, is there something else? I’m beginning to think the musical was leaving something out.  In my home state of PA, Corbett is out. I would vote for an ACTUAL wolf before I voted for Tom Corbett. If a fucking Wolf ran for office on a platform of howling at the moon and chasing caribou, I would put that sucker in over Tom “He is an Awful Sack of Crap and There Should Be a Way to Not Just Vote Him Out but also Tar and Feather Him Out of Office” Corbett. Apparently Rick Scott has kept Florida for Slytherian.. Minimum wage increase, tax increase on millionaires to pay for gutted education, right to vote amendment, and requirement that prescription birth control to be covered by insurance plans. all passed. not even a GOP Senate, misguided and confused populace, or smug billionaire fuckface Bruce Rauner can change that. President Cruz will straighten the rest out for us. I presume 2 years is enough time to build a fallout/flood/Ebola shelter? President ted will certainly close the ebola gap.

ADHD afflicted millenials, it is very easy to sit there on your patio lounger and Monday Morning Quarterback and say you would have gone for the hail mary at 1st & 10 and 2nd & 10 and 3rd & 10 and 4th & 10, and pat oneself on the back for strength of conviction. In hindsight, Abraham Lincoln is considered a leadership genius for incrementally moving in the correct direction at the right time, and not risking upending the ship of state by doing what in his heart he considered the right thing as early as he might get away with it. That “both parties are the same” attitude is part of the problem, and it’s wholly defective. If you honestly think that the Democrats and the Republicans are the same, you haven’t been paying attention these last 6 years. And you have no excuse. Kentucky Education Dept. passed regulations requiring that only actual science can be taught in science classes. Then they turn around and offer tax credits to the Ark Park. Jeebus must be crying and laughing at the same time. The whole world is laughing at us, and at the same time cringing in anticipation of what the world’s sugar crazed toddler with the handgun will do next.

So go ahead, lazy young people, let the bad guys buy the elections, restrict voting to only those stupid enough or rich enough to vote only for them, eliminate a press that might inform voters of the truth, and flood the public sphere with nonsense and lies. Let Republicans lead the world in progress and sciences so that photosynthesis fuels organisms giving rise to a race of super-smart algae that would conquer our civilization and enslave all of humanity in its chlorophyll processing centers.The Democrats are often staggeringly incompetent, but at least they aren’t a hideous chimera of religious fundamentalists out to turn America into a Christian theocracy and plutocrats out to gut environmental and business regulations in the name of their own profit, and delusional libertarians who worship the bad novels of Ayn Rand like it was some kind of bible. Don’t support the candidates who will help protect this earth from becoming nk the planet is in a climatlogical death spiral that will end in it becoming an uninhabitable hellscape,post-apocalyptic desert wasteland paranoid hellscape of guns and freaked water and ruined ecosystem. I  have decided to join the right wing and no longer give a shit about climate change. I mean, who gives a shit what happens after I die, which will be within 40 or 50 years anyway. I want it all, and I want the world to die with me, so sorry, future generations, I need my “SUV”.

by kara on November 4, 2014

WTF is up with this country? I mean really, WHAT THE FUCK IN WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY? Over in Nebraska, they voted to increase the minimum wage while we elected the usual slate of Republicants. Nebraskans are so worried about Ebola apparently, that we’ve decided to give their kids a governor named Rickets. Is it same impulse that causes them to pay $69.95 to see “Monster Truckalopalypse!!!” They just wanna see shit blow up? Over in the Colorado senate race, the good people defeated a personhood begins at conception amendment for the umpteenth time by a far larger margin than the Republican won the Senate who VOTED for the goddamn conception thing. It’s like voters are just not paying attention or brain dead or stupid or infantile or all of them, Katie. Gardner apparently utilized the black knight strategy out of the Holy Grail to win- no it’s not! Twas a flesh wound! Colorado, Colorado…you just made the party that an asshole family er, ex-family member of mine is practically the boss of the majority. Do you realize what you’ve done to yourselves?

Well all that’s been in the news regarding popular opinion — and it’s not just from the FOX News screech machine — is that people disapprove of the economy, Obama’s foreign policy is rudderless, there’s no leadership, blah blah blah. Honestly the Democrats could’ve done a lot more to counter that criticism and highlight all that’s gone right the last six years. Obama is a fckng excellent president.

Even given that the demographics of midterm elections skew Republican, it shouldn’t have been this bad. Oh, and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz — she’s got to bear a load of responsibility for this too. Where was the DNC? What was the message? It seemed like every Democrat was fending for him or herself. GAWD, I could do that job SO WELL.

The entire country is fucking gerry-rigged and gerry-mandered we ain’t gotta prayer and money has finally saturated the country to the extent that there is no going back to normal from this point. Don’t think of it as Republicans winning. This is the People’s triumph. If by the People you mean corporations.

Americans know they’re going to fuck up, and fuck up horribly — why keep letting Lucy hold that goddamn football?

Tragic Death, Great Headstone.

by kara on November 1, 2014

 

The gravestone of George Spencer Millet, erected in the Woodlawn Cemetery in the Bronx, a sad monument to a bizarre death, with a story so strange that it needed to be carved in stone for posterity.

The discreet-looking block of granite is almost invisible, lost in the vast necropolis. Like many other tombstones, it is etched with the name of the deceased as well as the parents. “Georges Spencer Millet — Son of Cornelius J. and Carrie L. Millet.” But unlike any other gravestone, the front-facing side is also marked with this strange epitaph:

“Lost life by stab in falling on ink eraser, evading six young women trying to give him birthday kisses in office Metropolitan Life Building”

[click to continue…]

Halloween

by kara on October 29, 2014

The author (left) in a bad boy’s haircut and little brother

The ritual is familiar to almost anyone who grew up in America in the late twentieth century. Halloween has become perhaps the most “universal” American holiday. It proposes no ethnic identity, no national allegiance, no specific religious affiliations. You don a costume and walk around your neighborhood asking for candy. Growing up in Philadelphia, Halloween was a very big deal. Halloween was the gateway to the Holiday Season. Beyond that lay the post holidays descent into the revolting slush and bitter cold and the accompanying depression. Life began at Halloween and ended December 26th.

I’m from the last generation of people who went trick or treating in the glory days of shelling out – the 1970’s. There were no school shootings, no peanut allergies or gluten intolerances, no kid obesity epidemic. There weren’t many modern sensitivities at all. Costumes I remember making were pirate, hobo (just a jolly cartoon character who chooses to carry a stick with a bandana tied to it, jumpin’ trains and cookin’ hobo beans over a campfire), Indian chief and the devil, many things that would be considered insensitive today. There was no “global warming”, so it was a good ten degrees colder, and we often had the indignity of having to wear parkas over our costumes.

[click to continue…]

What a Magnificent Halloween Costume.

by kara on October 27, 2014

from H & M

not for american children, of course.

Monday, October 27th, 2014

by kara on October 27, 2014

self portrait

by kara on October 24, 2014

Guns
DUI
DWTexting
No health insurance
Starvation
Influenza
Air pollution
Carnival accidents
“Pro-life” terrorists
Police officers
GMO induced allergies
Driving with Laura Bush
Duck hunting with Dick Cheney
Going to a party with the Palins
Wild game hunting with the Trump son
Sexting with Phyllis Schlafley
The Diabetes
Hepatitis Q
Chik-Fil-A
Transvaginal Ultrasounds
Applying for a gay marriage license in Mississippi
Falling in the bathroom
Choking on steak
Lighting strikes in Florida
Not wearing motorcycle helmets
Walking on train tracks
Skydiving
Pit bull attacks
Loose truck nutz
Paula Deen’s cooking
Job stress
Sodium
Cheap booze
Expensive booze

How The Rapture Works

by kara on October 23, 2014

1. Real scientists come up with an Ebola vaccine.
2. Obama orders enough vaccines made to vaccinate the entire country.
3. Republicans, Teatards, etc. all refuse because the bible, dictator, oppression, freedom, duh.
4. They (those in line 3) all die horrific Ebola deaths.
5. The rest of us live Ebola-free happily ever after.
Go on now to Heaven, y’all.
.

Obama’s Birth Plan

by kara on October 21, 2014

1. Plant phony birth announcement in Honolulu paper.

2. Schedule World Cup 53 years in future.

3. Lay seeds of adultery in Senate candidate opponent in race 30 years hence.

4. Tout unknown lamebrain as Wasilla mayor.

5. Secret mind control on Heritage Foundation to suggest and Massachusetts to adopt universal health care.

So devious. It’s like The Omen was a blueprint.

This Obama fella sure is cunning for a guy who knows nothing about running a country….and for such a lazy lout, he sure does lots of insidious wheeling and dealing.