As I was driving home from a COMEDY CLUB last night, a guy on the radio said it was the ten-year anniversary of the Iraq War. Oh my GOD, are we STILL talking about Iraq, can’t you stupid hippies think of something ELSE to prattle on about other than those “weapons of mass destruction” and those “hundred of thousands of dead people”? It was 10 years ago! Who cares? It’s over! Besides, the monsters responsible for this debacle of horror are all standing in the dock at the Hague, having faced their crimes. Ho-ho, no, the paragons of American exceptionalism are painting pictures of dogs, fly-fishing on their beauteous ranch, and offering their fucking sage advice on how we should deal with the other threats our country is facing*. Anyway, I think we should never prosecute or investigate any aspect of what happened so that we can all repeat the stupidity again with these same cronies in the next Republican administration. The worst of them (Cheney and Rumsfeld), were the dregs of the Nixon administration, who avoided getting indicted and thought that running the White House as a criminal enterprise was the ideal but they just had to be better about not getting caught. And the dregs of the Reagan administration, the ones who actually believed the bullshit rather than understanding that it was all rhetoric to dupe conservatives into voting for a sub-intelligent b-actor. Sadly, this suggests in the evolutions of cults and other such social phenomenon that the third generation will be even worse – which is why Paul Ryan, Marco Rubio, Scott Walker et al must be kept from the White House at all costs.

Who could have imagined (Condi voice), that pointedly comparing three totally unrelated countries to the Axis powers, and then unilaterally invading one of those three based on transparent lies, is not exactly a sound strategy for ongoing diplomacy towards the remaining two? It’s so confusing that the Iranians might still be trying to develop their own nuclear weapons; I mean it’s not like North Korea doesn’t have legitimate reasons to fear the most powerful nation on the planet and therefore desire a nuclear deterrent or anything. It’s not as though said most powerful country in the world spent the previous decade invading every country that shares a border with them, or something. Now why WOULDN’T Iran be ecstatic that we might be planning to send over our freedom bombs? The Iraq War looks like the very picture of success! Anyway, don’t worry about the $6 trillion, maybe we can fund it using a Kickstarter!

“If we double the length, we halve the cost.”

Good news everyone! We have received an invoice for the Iraq war and it is only going to cost us around $6 million, billion I mean trillion American dollars. Now, folks, I know this may SOUND like a pretty hefty price tag, but let’s keep it in mind that we liberated the Iraqis from something or other, and the cost of doing liberating to folks on the other side of the damn planet is pretty much priceless. Besides, “spending” is something Obama does. You know how the NRA argues argues gun safety – dividing the various and sundry horrors by the number of guns, and pointing out — with a straight face — how the ratio is “improving”, and is much better than it is in selected European socialist hellholes?  According to the GOP, we spent billions of dollars in Iraq as “damages”, not because the war was wrong, but because it was right! They “shared the benefits of the war with the Iraqi people by transferring some of it in the form of reconstruction funds”! Get it? Since we basically did socialism to Iraq, redistributing the “benefits” of massive debt and casualties, we’re all settled up. You’re welcome. Candy and flowers, please.