Today, I missed most of CPAC – highlights were speeches by GOP hispanderer Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, sub-intelligent puppet-face Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky, and “Divisive” Virginia attorney general and gubernatorial candidate great white hope/great fear of the Virginia Republican party Ken Cuccinelli.
Some gems from the always comical former Florida congressman Allen West:
“Where is the love and compassion when state administrators stuff welfare checks in the mail?”
“I’m a conservative, because I know real peace comes from the Marine Corps, not the Peace Corps.”
“I’m speaking from experience when I tell you that there is nothing on this green earth that a liberal progressive fears more than a black American who wants a better life and a smaller government.”
One-time Clinton aide turned Republican talking head turned failed Fox News analyst Dick morris, was at least honest about the result of last year’s election that he had confidently predicted would be a near landslide victory for Mitt Romney. “Well, we lost,” he said as he began his speech.
Bearded anti-tax overlord Grover Norquist: “Republicans who vote for tax increases are rat heads in a Coke bottle.” Veteran Grover-watchers are familiar with this one.
Texas governor and hilarious failure from 2012 Rick Perry, fresh off his Vicodin-fused comical foray into the last Republican presidential primary process did the following 6 things:
1. Accused Obama of a “federally sponsored jail break”.
2. Sounded ready to shoot John Maynard Keynes and his precious so-called “economic theories” with his six-shooter Texas cowboy gun. John. Maynard. Keynes. He said it like that.
3. Suggested that the ObamaCare Medicaid expansion is a “bribe” that he just will not accept. His plan for reforming Medicaid involves introducing more Medicaid enrollees to health savings accounts, where they will be overjoyed to park their $0 in health savings.
4. Elicited Boos from the audience when he snarled about the allegedly “growing Hispanic demographic” that the liberals keep prattling on about.
5. His plan for national economic revival is basically more drilling in Texas.
Hilarious GOP parody puppet, Texas congressman Louie Gohmert – for more information was the true delight of this WAR PANEL. Within the first three minutes of his speech:
- Condemned the government for giving up on the Vietnam War. “Vietnam was winnable, but people in Washington decided we would not win it.”
- Condemned the government for not declaring war on Iran after the U.S. embassy in Tehran was sieged in 1979.
- Defended our support of the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan by saying, “I know they’re Muslims, but they’re our friends.”
Rand Paul’s biggest applause line was that his budget “eliminates the Department of Education.” That’s because republicans don’t believe in education…they don’t have any and they don’t want anyone else to have any either. Stump the deconstructionist critical theorist!
Upcoming:(none of this is fake, all of this is real):
Movie screening: Ronald Reagan – Rendezvous with Destiny tonight at .30pm. Billed as an award-winning look at the beloved 40th president, starring the Honourable Newt Gingrich & Callista Gingrich. In fact, it’s a Gingrich Productions production, an 80-minute documentary “is a groundbreaking film that documents the life and legacy of the 40th President of the United States” – according to Gingrich Productions. Financed fronted by the Gingrichs aka Tiffany’s, and fans of their wild co-presenting style – see their energy-sapping appearance at the GOP convention in August – will know this is a must-see.
“[Reagan’s] rendezvous with destiny is a reminder that we all have a similar rendezvous,” Newt says as he introduces the film. “And that together we can create a better future for America.”
Donald Trump 8:45AM
You gotta get up early for Trump. It’s been a busy few months at the Trump Organisation. Most recently, Trump stated for the record he had uncovered definitive proof that he was not part orangutan, and sued comedian Bill Maher for $5m for suggesting otherwise.
Rick Santorum: various times
Rick Santorum has been out of the limelight recently but the one-time frontrunner for the Republican nomination is back with a vengeance on Friday. His Super Pac, Patriot Voices, has dubbed the day “Patriot Voices Day” (CPAC has not) and lined up no less than six Rick Santorum hosted events. Santorum fans are in for a real treat! Santorum addresses CPAC attendees, Luncheon with Rick Santorum, followed by “remarks”? Rick Santorum hosted movie screening, Rick Santorum hosted book signing, Rick Santorum hosted reception. Rick Santorum roundtable discussion.
Trump the Race Card: Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist and You Know You’re Not One? Friday, 3pm. Sponsored by the Tea Party.
Sarah Palin: Saturday, 12pm The former governor of Alaska/ vice presidential candidate comes out of non-self-imposed exile to preach to the converted. Remember how in her speech last year, Palin focussed on the combined evils of Planned Parenthood, the Environmental Protection Agency and Washington DC as a whole, in a crowd-pleasing, Occupy-protester-drowning speech.