Drugs? Borderline Personality Disorder? Repressed Abuse? Alien invasion? What the fuck is it? Maybe America’s Craziest Legislator Michele Bachmann (R-Circular Ruins) is just a useful tool for the party as a sideshow attraction while the big crime is going on. because when someone is flapping their arms and looking hysterical you can sometimes ignore the presence of that hand slipping away with your wallet.
Despite the advantages of a fanatical national following, Ol’ Crazy Eyes might be on the verge of a take down — not by the guys with the butterfly nets, but by the Office of Congressional Ethics, who’s investigating her campaign for improprieties. This must be a real shock for her, that more than one person is finally calling her on her complete and utter bullshit. It’s taken far too long for anyone to say “Enough, you fucking witch”.
I know you all feel a lot safer knowing that our government officials are very capable of keeping an eye on our enemies, both foreign and domestic. And I know when you think “Michelle Bachmann”, you think “Intelligence Committee”, right? Narrowly reelected to what had been a safe House seat after abandoning her calamitous presidential run, Bachmann returned to Congress diminished. But Old Boner reappointed the Minnesota harpy to the House Intelligence Committee. Michele Bachmann being on the Intelligence Committee is just part of the regular Orwellian double-speak. “Intelligence Committee”, “Patriot Act”, “Clean Coal”, “Pro-Life”, “Compassionate Conservatism” and “Right to Work”. I’m pretty sure she was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee to make the rest of the members appear intelligent. Not an easy task by any means, but Bachmann came through with flying colors.
Michele’s on the committee to pursue her specialties: Whether Jesus married Mary Magdalene and emigrated to France; whether Edward DeVere wrote Shakespeare’s plays; what happened to the gold of the Knights Templar; the Area 51 coverup and who brought down WTC 7. You know — anything that might be the subject of hack conspiracy theorists. Like what, you say? You know — like accusations that Hillary Clinton’s aide Huma Abedin was maybe a Muslim Brotherhood spy, no biggie, and that the Muslim Brotherhood is infiltrating the US government, that’s all. NBD. Bachmann is very, very concerned with how this Muslim person could have security clearance. Michele Bachmann is questioning how someone else got a security clearance. If there was any more irony here, I could throw out my garment steamer. Michele Bachmann’s clearly Islamophobic stance makes her position on the “Intelligence” committee, with its oversight of the National Security Agency and CIA’s activities, kinda…troubling. Troubling to Commies, maybe. Shrugging off criticism from GOP leaders in Congress, Bachmann broadened her allegations of Islamic infiltration in the U.S. government to include [the Muslim American] Democrat Keith Ellison of associations with the “Muslim Brotherhood.” Given all the people trying to protect Abedin from both sides of the aisle, it’s obvious that Bachmann is on to something and the infiltration is even deeper than any of us could have imagine.
There’s something more than mere craziness in those eyes. Something dark and as old as the world itself. But mostly it’s craziness. If the voting public is stupid, racist and crazy, the successful modern candidate will also be stupid, racist and crazy.
All her bizarre claims, that helped make her reputation in the first place, are being increasingly swatted down by her fellow Republicans. She was even been called out by Bill O’Reilly for “a trivial pursuit” after her insane CPAC speech during which she blabbered on about President Obama’s “lavish” lifestyle“. There were the mythical five chefs who fly on Air Force One and the mythical “Presidential Dog Walker”. For the record, I am shocked, SHOCKED, that it took Michele Bachmann this long to fix her psychotic gaze upon Bo, the White House dog. When called on her lies, Bachmann slut shamed a CNN reporter, chastising her for daring to bring up something so insignificant as the White House Dog Walker – the presidential Dog Walker that Michele Bachmann conjured up in the first fucking place – when the president is busy murdering the entire diplomatic corps. Then she dashed off, stage left.
It’s been pretty awesome watching the party that enabled her crazy bullshit all these years suddenly turn on her. But I won’t be really happy until Bachmann, Goehmert, and Steve King are forced to fight lions gladiator-style in the pit of the House to retain their seats.
During the GOP primaries, Bachmann was so consistently divorced from reality that the Associated Press simply threw up its hands and decided it couldn’t possibly fact-check everything she said. At a National Press Club panel, Jim Drinkard, the editor who supervises fact-checking for the AP, acknowledged that Bachmann’s bullshit often piled up to insurmountable levels:
“We had to have a self-imposed Michele Bachmann quota in some of those debates.”
She gave a mind-spinning, a reality-challenged rant on the House floor, calling for the repeal of the Affordable Care Act “before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens”.
A former Bachmann staffer, Barb Heki alleges that onetime state campaign chairman and state Senator Sorenson stole from her—and then used with Bachmann’s knowledge—an email list of Christian homeschool
families in Iowa. Heki’s accusation has been backed by a sworn affidavit by former campaign staffers.
Michele Bachmann recently made a bizarre assertion bout how 70 percent of food stamps go to “bureaucrats” — based on the misinterpreted work of some libertarian Cato Institute crackpot. Fun Fact: 100% of the govt. money Bachmann gets for her 35 foster kids is spent by govt. bureaucrats (in this case Michele Bachmann.) And her bogus farm subsidies, too. Who here thinks monies going to administrators is as offensive as $259,000 in commodities and disaster subsidies being paid to the Bachmann Farm Family LP, or her husband’s psychotherapy practice and clinic receiving $30,000 to train his employees to scream at people into giving up their fanciful delusions that they are gay?
She’s like a B-movie monster who pop ups again and again to threaten a terrified populace, no matter how many salvos of facts and rationality get lobbed at her. Shrieking about how our dastardly Usurper murdered our Libyan ambassador in BENGHAZIIIIIII. Embarrassments have become routine as she tries to forcibly reinsert herself into the national debate. Whenever she is confronted with her nonsense by the lamestream media, her answer is: “Hey, I’m just asking questions, here”. Did Mitt Romney officiate at secret Mormon services commemorating the 1857 Mountain Meadows Massacre? Did Dick Cheney keep actual men in the man-sized safes in his VP office? Did George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice play Twister on the Oval Office carpet? Hey, I’m just asking questions here.
The demands to have Bachmann removed from the intelligence committee aren’t because she is stupid – there are plenty of other stupid people doing incredibly important things these days, (see: the Committee on Science, Space, and Technology). Stupid people doing important things is the new normal. No, that’s not it. She needs to be removed because she is batshit crazy. Or she’s a drug addict. Or she needs immediate medical attention for a traumatic brain injury. Or she’s a space alien.
That’s Minnesota for ya. Most of the local audience for Prairie Home Companion don’t know Garrison Keillor is mocking them – at least the squiggly Gerrymander called the 6th District aka the attic you keep your crazy uncle in. Remember, it’s our tax dollars that pay this lunatic’s salary, healthcare and benefits and even if we get rid of her, we’ll still be paying her. Seriously folks, with all the union busting and the plaintive cries of the overcompensated little peoples, and fucking congress has the biggest sweetheart deal going? How long are we going to stand for this?