Who loves the smell of a death spiral in the morning?! Considering the 4 years of vomit we endured from the Republicans during the last election cycle, we really deserved a 24-hour news channel dedicated to gloating and schadenfreude. Of course we didn’t get it, because that would be wrong. So, enjoy this week of Republicans tearing each other limb from limb trying to figure out who is blame for them getting their asses handed to them. Sarah Palin says it’s Karl Rove’s fault for not being batshit conservative enough so “get back to the truck!” or something. Some say it’s the Tea Party’s fault for running TOO batshit crazy candidates. Others say it’s only a branding issue.
The RNC released something called the Autopsy Report – because they can’t do anything without being fucking hilarious – devoted to how to “grow the Party and improve Republican campaigns” and appeal to the nation’s changing demographics of voters and start winnin’ again! They produced hundreds of recommendations to help Republicans connect with every-day Americans.
Listening to Reince Preibus discussing the Autopsy Report, aka Growth Opportunity Project in his bullet-to-the-brain drone, is the veritable archetype of boring. So I will, once again, spare you by summing it up for you:
– Shorter primary cycles and fewer GOP debates (simply encouraging some number less than twenty of nut cases running in the early presidential primaries might be a good start), because they don’t want to show their hand too much.
– Gays, PLEASE just stop talking about being gay. Jennifer Rubin implores you to to let the GOP stop talking about gay sex all the time PLEASE:
But by not asking for endorsement, merely toleration of a variety of positions on gay rights and marriage, the report aims to take the issue off the national political table.
“Toleration” means, we GOPers think you homos/Latinos/blacks/urbanites/sluts are just a freaking abomination, but we will tolerate you just this once. And Jennifer Rubin is making her own personal ‘Shroud of Turin’ by wearing a pair of Mitt’s Magic Underpants over her head.
-Young people. The best way to do that is to insult old people (make fun of their liver spots and such)? Win! “Hey kids, who here likes Pat Boone?” but seriously, here are a few of the report’s suggestions:
“In 2012, Mitt Romney won individuals older than 30 by 1.8 million votes; he lost voters younger than 30 by 5 million votes. The RNC must recognize that today’s young voters will be voters or the next 50-plus years. “
They must buck up and accept that today’s liberal youth will be alive for at least the next 50 years.
“The RNC should host quarterly discussions on youth issues with Chairman Priebus”.
Run, young folks. Run very, very fast.
“Establish an RNC Celebrity Task Force of personalities in the entertainment industry to host events”.
So we’ll be seeing more of Clint Eastwood’s chair.
– “Digital”
” Empower young, creative people to have a seat at the table on all digital issues.”
Because us Olds don’t know what the fuck we are talking about. Their “Technology outreach” includes “conference calls”(800 and counting!), online surveys and focus groups and ” group listening sessions”.
They really think that if they just adopt Democratic strategies on utilizing technology and social media that they will suddenly win national elections. They don’t get that in fact, because of technology, they will continue to fare much worse because all us folks can actually see how craven they are and how fucked up their message is. Because of the tubes, all the crazy shit is out of their Pandora’s Box. The days of being able to give special speeches to “private audiences” is O.V.E.R. It took that bartender’s iPhone to make the lightbulb go on over the Republicans heads.
– Hey Ladies! Don’t think the GOP has forgot about you sluts! You are a category, just like “Digital” and “Media Buying and Placement”!
“Republicans should develop a more aggressive response to Democrat rhetoric regarding a so-called “war on women.” In 2012, the Republican response to this attack was muddled,and too often the attack went undefended altogether. We need to actively combat this, better prepare our surrogates, and not stand idly by while the Democrats pigeonhole us using false attacks. There are plenty of liberal policies that negatively impact women, and it is incumbent upon the party to expose those and relentlessly attack Democrats using that framework”.
They’d love to listen to you cluck on like chickens about all your ladeez needs, but that’s sure as hell not going to include things you actually want, like birth control, abortion, or the right not to be raped or get the living shit beat out of you.
– You non-whites are remembered in the report, so listen up! The Autopsy Report tells all you Blacks, Hispanics, Asian-Americans, Native Americans to please just shut up and let the GOP to recruit you to a mind-numbingly large number of committees.
And in order to relate better to the black voters, the Republicans promises to have more senior party members release rap albums. For better relations with Hispanics, they will try to sound less like Marco Rubio and more like Cheech Marin. The sad fact is, the Republican party is a bunch of racists and no amount of hispandering is going to fool anyone. The GOP has disowned Colin Powell for endorsing Barack Obama, which they immediately dismissed as a “black guy thing”. And when the Roberts Court overturns the Voting Rights Act (or at least Sec. 5 and pre-clearance), any potential opening from their bogus charm offensive is going to be wiped out. The fact is, they are trapped by their own racism.
There’s some good stuff over at ThinkProgress:
RNC RHETORIC
“We have to blow the whistle at corporate malfeasance and attack corporate welfare. We should speak out when a company liquidates itself and its executives receive bonuses but rank-and-file workers are left unemployed. We should speak out when CEOs receive tens of millions of dollars in retirement packages but middle-class workers have not had a meaningful raise in years.”
ACTUAL POLICY
Republicans have proposed slashing the corporate tax rate just as corporate profits are skyrocketing and wages for middle and lower income Americans remain stagnant. The GOP seeks to repeal Wall Street reform and resists any efforts to tax capital gains at a higher rate, close the carried interest loophole, or raise any taxes on higher-income earners. Rep. Paul Ryan’s (R-WI) budget, for instance, “would result in tax cuts worth an average of about $330,000 a year to households with incomes of more than $1 million a year.”
The Breitbart wing of the party has hurt feelings about this report because it focuses on how to reel in ladies, minorities and poors rather than concentrating on REAL Republican stuff:
There is nothing in the report about strengthening the Republican Party’s commitment to conservative principles–the winning formula in 1980, 1994, and 2010. Instead, the report declares that Republicans “make sure that the government works for those truly in need”–a worthy goal, but one that cannot be accomplished without shrinking it and focusing it. (The word “smaller” does not appear anywhere in the report’s 100 pages.)
Republicans have forgotten that winning Coke and Abortion formula of the 1980’s: business in the front, party in the back. That’s why all the coked-up yuppies loved Ronald Reagan. He was gonna fuck the teamsters in the ass, but not do anything serious about their Bolivian marching powder or their abortions. If the republicans can get the Paultards and Fundamentalist whackos and gunnutz to shut the fuck up and go away, they can have a new Golden Age with tax cuts and gay marriage for all. The 2012 election was a victory over fear, and the excessive, apocalyptic and insular language that has sadly defined so much of the conservative base of the Republican party these past four years. I say we poach them for their tusks and leave them for dead.
RNC Autopsy report Cliffs Notes synopsis: The Republican Party can win votes by ceasing to be the Republican Party.