Here’s a fun library story for ya.

Welcome to post racial ‘Murica. Guess we can shut down the whole NAACP thing now.

Because there is no greater celebration of a nation than public mockery of its duly elected leader, an entire town of racist assholes policed by racist assholes had this really cool Independence Day parade. It happened in Norfolk, Nebraska (aka America’s outhouse), and featured an “Obama Presidential Library” float where the “library” was an outhouse

It didn’t include a noose, so there’s that.

The wooden-like shitter was on a flatbed trailer being pulled by a blue pickup truck (If they had any imagination the pickup would be “Rollin’ Coal”). The words “Obama Presidential Library” posted across its side,  because that is some quality humor. The eerie figure that stood outside guarding the structure was dressed in overalls and stood next to a walker. The ghoul’s head and hands were green and “zombie lie” ;and there were miniature American flags affixed on top of the float and on the pickup as well.

So that’s why the books I get from the library are covered in shit. Wingnuts think it’s a baffroom!

OK, we actually get the outhouse joke, presumably because Bamz is putting America in the toilet. But the zombie thing? Is Bamz supposed to be a zombie? Is he turning American into a nation of zombies? The walker? Is Obama senile, or is he hobbling America? Don’t know, don’t get it.

In fairness, this (left) is where most Nebraskans read. They may have been confused. They even recycle the catalogs! Do they allow Sears Catalogs in there, or just the bible?  Or maybe Norfolk men didn’t recognize the structure as an outhouse without glory holes in the sides.

Who thinks those dumb fucks would benefit from spending some time in a real library. But eh,  why bother? They’d only rip out the pages to wipe their behinds with.

Characteristucally, parade organizers had no interest whatsoever in hearing any concerns about the float. Parade committee member Rick Konopasek said the float wasn’t meant to be any more offensive than a “political cartoon” would be. The only restriction for entering a float is that it can’t be considered morally objectionable.That basically translates to a ban on nudity to sexually explicit messages, offering a really stirring defense of the tyranny of the majority.

Konopasek said:

“We don’t feel its right to tell someone what they can and can’t express. This was political satire”

Now stop right there, that float isn’t satire – that’s really what they think libraries are for.

” ..:If we start saying no to certain floats, we might as well not have a parade at all.”

OK, so it was a sad, pathetic parade with only one float?

“If we start saying no to certain floats, we might as well not have a parade at all.”

Well, that there’s a persuasive argument. If one has the IQ of mayonnaise.

“If we start saying no to certain floats, we might as well not have a parade at all.”

Yes, because the one thing that is absolutely required in Fourth of July parades is some total racist bullshit. If you don’t have that, your parade actually gets shut down.

“It’s obvious the majority of the community liked it. So should we deny the 95 percent of those that liked it their rights, just for the 5 percent of people who are upset?”

But that is exactly how it works with guns. We deny the rights of 92% who want well-regulated background checks just for the 7% who oppose it.

“We don’t feel its right to tell someone what they can and can’t express,”

Unless of course, it be sluts wanting slutty slut stuff, or them homersecks-ya’llz talking all queer, or them Kenyan Moose Limbs and their creeping Sharia Law. But other than that, we’re like “whatevz!”.

As usual, the float was anonymous. I’m sure if someone put an anonymous float of an outhouse with a Jesus slathered on a crucifix  on it or a bible in a large jar of piss the city fathers and the chamber of commerce would be screaming their fucking asses off and pointing fingers and holding whomever entered it up to ridicule. But now, well nobody knows nothin’.

Clearly, rural white folks know much more about out houses than urban black folks that have flush toilets and in-door plumbing. They are just expressing themselves with the limited education and life experiences that they have. I admit that it is sad and pathetic. Their white skins will never be worth more than they were yesterday. Being ignorant is no way to success in the 21st century. The 1% are laughing at them all the way to the bank.

Clearly, the float artists need to study their T S Eliot to learn about objective correlatives and other principles of metaphor, simile, metonymy and synecdoche. Or perhaps they could familiarize themselves with the work of symbolist poets such as Baudelaire, Mallarme and Rimbaud. Wasn’t this stuff covered in the home-school version of literature? Or did Mom tell you it wouldn’t be on the test? But the zombie thing? Is Bamz supposed to be a zombie? Is he turning American into a nation of zombies? “Zombies, Kenyans, same difference!!!”

Remember those old nodding, drinking bird things, where it looked like the bird was bending over to take a drink? Maybe we could make a huge one of those that looks like Obama, but have him bend backwards so that when he bends over his foot comes up and kicks Ted Cruz in the ass (with pants on, of course–don’t want to offend anyone). I think this would fit on the back of a flatbed truck and qualify as a float. Or how about a float honoring Open Carry with real live gun nuts, er I mean 2nd Amendment stalwarts shooting each other and unlucky spectators? Given that the parade organizers in Norfolk insist that they’d totally accept a liberal float if anyone would ever get around to entering one, please immediately submit your own librul parade float ideas:

– Salute to Slut Pills: A line-up of animatronic young ladies with hands out, in line at the pharmacy counter, with the line automated such that after the pharmacist hands out the pills, the queue meanders behind the closed doors of dorm rooms and vehicles with “if this van’s a-rockin’ don’t come a-knockin'” bumper stickers. Float riders could toss condoms into the crowd.

– We’re Here, We’re Queer: Obv’s something festooned with glitter, and even if thong-clad hotties aren’t allowed, bible-thumping self-loathers could still peek furtively out of closets before quickly re-hiding themselves and then popping out another door to denounce the gay lifestyle. Special guest appearances by Marcus Bachmann and Miss Lindsey.

– FEMA Campers: This float features a magical socialist paradise where everyone is always happy and all of your children are “Agenda 21’ed” into Stepford-wife style compliance.

– The End of the 2nd Amendment: Guns are tossed into wood chippers while the shredded remains are tossed gleefully on parade watchers.

– The Triumph of Atheists: A panapoly of dramatic vignettes where Christian rights are offended. School teachers will forbid little blonde girls from praying at their desks, employers will be forced to employ women on birth control, a group of swarthy men will reenact building a mosque on some sacred ground or another, etc, etc.

A Ronald Reagan Float, with Ronnie with his pants down eating jelly beans and pudding.

A float honoring the Norfolk Coprophilia Society. A grouping of the town’s evolutionary also-rans at the dinner table (all fully clothed, of course) ready to dig into a large brown mound.

– A “Nebraska Ten Commandments” float would be seen as the same kind of tasteful satire:

1. There is no God but God, and handsy, creepy bald preachers are His prophets.

2. Thou shalt not f*** thy sister, unless she can’t run faster than thee.

3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s green bean casserole with the canned crunchy onions on top; instead thou shalt just smugly show her up by buying a pineapple upside-down cake from the grocery store and putting it on a plate and pretending thou didst bake it thine own self.

4. Thou shalt display one’s AR-15 and one’s coal roller in proportion to how much longer thy cock needs to be.

5. Thou shalt barbecue with lighter fluid — but stick a few briquets in there too so as to look as though thou knowest what the hell thou art doing.

The Washing of the Illegals –– little Hispanic children are forced to run alongside the float, and try to clamber up into the beautiful Victorian mansion by slipping under razor wire fences, climbing a 16 foot high wall, dodging bullets fired by drunk rednecks, all while carrying 75 pound bales of pot.

– A “Salute To The Magna Carta and its Influence on American Democracy” float.

Let them have their fun. We’ll just move the creator to the top of the death panel list. If anyone needs me I’ll be in my blanket fort Fortress of Solitude.

About kara

We know our letters just fine, and we know our numbers to a certain point, but books were always the realm of four-eyed poindexters with bowler hats and cravats. That’s why it pleases us so that America’s proud illiterates are finally stepping up and pushing back against the crushing tide of education that threatens to swallow us all into its gaping maw of checked facts. Champions of the Ignorantiat will not like it here.
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