Somewhere in hell, Oliver Cromwell is thinking “Hey, I like this guy.”

I’ve been snickering at my desk all day thinking about Mitt Romney, his creepy family, his advisors and the dressage team, barnstorming across London in an Astin Martin with royal Corgis strapped to the roof, driving on the wrong side of the street, running lights, plowing over Bobbies, breaking Stonhenge, taunting peasants, choking on fish n chips, throwing Beefeaters to the ground and cutting their hair.

The hilarity started even before the wealthy Mormon clan left our shores, when Romney’s foreign policy adviser suggested that Mr, Romney was better placed to understand the depth of ties between the two countries than Mr Obama, whose father was from Africa. Via London’s Daily Telegraph:

“We are part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage, and he feels that the special relationship is special … The White House didn’t fully appreciate the shared history we have.”

Well, neither the U.S. nor the U.K. are really “Anglo-Saxon” countries, are they? The term actually describes two small Germanic tribes to which few Americans or Brits are directly linked. In truth, Barry O’Bama’s about as Anglo-Saxon as Mitt. He is part Irish – you know, on the side that they never seem to mention. But Mitt-bot’s ongoing software problems are proof of the old adage in the field of AI: It’s very difficult to program an artificial intelligence, but quite easy to program an artificial idiot.

Downing Street, which had gone to great lengths to give Romney the red carpet treatment, was aghast when Mittbot questioned whether London was capable of running an Olympics. The comparisons with Romney’s trip to Europe and Obama’s visit at almost exactly the same stage in the electoral cycle four years ago, The Guardian calls “almost too embarrassing to mention.” Barackstar wooed a quarter of a million people in Berlin while Romney was mocked by the British prime minister.

Apparently Romney “wrote” a “book”. And the entitled bastard actually titled it: “No Apology”. An excerpt:

“England is just a small island. Its roads and houses are small. With few exceptions, it doesn’t make things that people in the rest of the world want to buy. And if it hadn’t been separated from the continent by water, it almost certainly would have been lost to Hitler’s ambitions.”

Mittens prays to his Mormon God/hat that his London stumblings will be just an amusing side note in the “Anglo-American special relationship” which has survived an irrational decade as a left-of-center prime minister embraced a right wing president. I bet President Mittbot would tie Tony Blair to the roof of Air Force One. Then, Tony Blair would explain how he couldn’t ask not to be tied to the roof of Air Force One, because that might compromise his ability to ask not to be tied to the roof of Air Force One at some indeterminate point in the future.

It’s all part of that “special relationship” that sees Britain as our Poodle.

Anyhow, our real friends are France and Germany. They cared about us enough not to go along with our hysterical, self-destructive invasion of Iraq. The English uncritically volunteering as our sidekicks in that self-inflicted catastrophe worked against our, their and the world’s interests. A real friend is one who tries to talk you out of jumping off the bridge, not one who grabs your hand and jumps with you.

King Romney via TheSwash.com