The Movement: crabby, middle-aged white people who are bused in to to our fair Capitol a few times a year, to waddle around in costumes and cast blame for their lives’ half-lived on that black guy in the big white house. The sheer, concentrated fail oozing from these people is suffocating. It’s like screwing up the country and losing the election wasn’t enough for them, and now they’re addicted to failure. They want to see just how much they can screw up and how much more they can lose from here on out. Like most conservative movements, “FreedomWorks” is a front for the mega-rich who want to pay NO taxes. Using the volunteer labor of frightened and misinformed suckers, their ‘freedom’ agenda is freedom from responsibility. So on this, the 235th year our independence from the Kingdom of Great Brtain, I have a letter to those aforementioned suckers:
Tea Patriots: at first I felt sorry for you, frightened and confused know-nothings. But it’s been almost 3 years now, guys. And, just like the Cranky Old Grandfather of lore, you guys need to shut the fuck up. Eat an egg sandwich, take your medication, put on your eyeglasses, sit back in your Barcaloungers and relax. Try to not be so bitter, so fucking mean. Find a hobby to make your remaining time in a world you no longer understand tolerable. Stamp collecting and ham radio used to be good for this. If you did what generations of retirees have done before you, fiddle around with stuff in the garage, enjoy model trains and Hummels and your grandchilden, you wouldn’t be so angry and miserable.
If you stop being such a burden on the next generation, your passage into death will be a lot easier for everyone. Stop worrying about the “next generation”. Do what grandparents are supposed to do, let the next generation take over and pay their bills, run their households and raise their kids whatever way they see fit. You’ve done your time in this life, it’s time to shut up and move on to the next. You need to realize that the world has moved on, the power base has changed, the demographics have changed and there has been a major mentality shift. Also, you need to stop being wrong on every single issue.
I confess. Ever since the whole “Death Panels” thing, I don’t want you around anymore. In fact, I want you sick, sorry and then dead (just as you want for the struggling, uninsured, not Medicaid aged). I wish you were dead. Yes I really do. Because if you have enough time on your hands to ride buses to Washington, to march around, to sew costumes, and to troll the internet, then you are a drag on the human race. Happy 4th of July.
Best of the Bicentennial Baggers
You’re all fucking crazy. And at least we’re ambulatory.