Google “Eric Cantor, weasel”, and you may or may not be surprised at the number of hits you get. Lotta hits for “Eric Cantor weasel,” but “Eric Cantor fuckface” is off the charts. More hits than “Santa Claus elf,” “OJ Simpson jail,” and “Chris Christie fat” COMBINED.
The incompetent whiner from Virginia, Majority Leader for his caucus in the House, perpetually looks like a guy entering his ninth day of trying to poop out a dildo that some overly enthusiastic District hooker shoved so far up his rectum that it lodged against his liver? That guy. Every time I see Cantor’s smug little prig prick shitbag face, I want to punch him in the balls. The urge must be unbearable, when you are in his presence for any length of time. Rand Paul does it to me, too. You just have this instant urge to swing him by the feet like a baseball bat face-first into a concrete bridge abutment.rimary for Virginia’s 7th Congressional District. And by a significant margin, too.
Anyway, Eric Cantor was sent to the ash heap of history last night, vanquished by his opponent by more than 10 points in the primary race that predicted a 34 point win for Cantor. Around 8 p.m. MSNBC AND CNN began running B-roll footage of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor as though he had died. All the major networks scrambled, ill-prepared to cover a major election upset. He is the first majority leader in history to lose in a primary in his own party since 1899 (how come Nate Silver didn’t see this? Perhaps because only one poll with data made public before the election. How come Eric Cantor didn’t see this? Because his internal pollster was unskewing the data. He had Cantor by 34%).
Eric Cantor was just another conscience-free Republican leader who courted the Tea Party when it seemed politically advantageous and then tried to run from it when it was clear it was going to bite him in the ass.The kind of jerkoff who is patronizingly rude to servers. I’d like to think that corresponds to many a meal spent ingesting the semen/fecal matter/snot of some underemployed “freeloader” unfortunate enough to wait on him.
He began plotting against President Obama the night he was inaugurated, and joined with Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy to promote their goofy, arrogant, embarrassing “Young Guns” slate of 2010 candidates.Let’s take a moment to remember the hilarity of Eric Cantor, then a still spry 48, co-authoring the book Young Guns: A New Generation of Conservative Leaders (now available in remainder bins everywhere) with Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy. It was some kind of Cowboy Steampunk novel, as we recall, where Cantor came unstuck in time.
“Needless to say, the culture shock for me … was pretty severe. I felt a little like George Taylor, Charlton Heston’s character in Planet of the Apes must have upon discovering the foundering Statue of Liberty on the beach. What was happening to my country?”
And then we had imagine him shirtless, pounding sand, screaming “God damn you all to hell, etc. etc.”, not a story with the happiest ending, although we understand that in the sequel, the poor slob manages to comfort himself with a seven figure lobbying gig.
Traditionally, nicknaming yourself is frowned upon (same for elevating yourself to the status of “a new generation of leaders,” for that matter) but these three seemed to get away with it by using the flashiest and most histrionic ad ever made for a book about legislating. Using a soundtrack and announcer that seem straight out of the trailer for “Armaggedon“, Representatives Cantor, Ryan and McCarthy debuted a theatrical ad for Young Guns. And the flair for the cinematic doesn’t end with the advertisement: even the book’s jacket reads like a character list from an Ocean’s 11 movie:
“This isn’t your grandfather’s Republican party. These Young Guns of the House GOP—Cantor (the leader), Ryan (the thinker), and McCarthy (the strategist)—are ready to take their belief in the principles that have made America great and translate it into solutions […] Together, the Young Guns are changing the face of the Republican party and giving us a new road map back to the American dream.”
…and getting away with the greatest casino heist in history!
The Young Guns (Eric Cantor, Kevin McCarthy, and Paul Ryan), circling their wagons at an area Golden Corral, a budget-friendly all you can eat buffet.
“The U.S. cannot be spending tax dollars helping Americans.” – Eric Cantor
Remember how he said to Missouri after it was butt-hammered with a slew of terrible storms that he couldn’t allow any federal disaster relief until the government would agree to cut money from programs Eric Cantor doesn’t like to offset the relief funding? The, God sent a freak earthquake that originated in Eric Cantor’s home district? What was Eric Cantor’s message of hope for his constituents? Cantor, busy humping Glenn Beck’s leg in Israel, when the earthquake happened, cut short his trip to fly all the way home and tell his constituents to lick his saggy nuts?
Remember all those times he stood behind the Orange One, staring at his back, memorizing the exact point where he would drive the knife in when the time was right. He was being patient. Oh he was being patient, his time would come when his little Tea Minions would unseat his master and then he, like any good Dark Side apprentice, would ascend and then HE would be the master.
Eric Cantor had been angling for that top job since the moment Boehner took the gavel in his orange, trembling, nicotine-stained hands back in 2011. Cantor worked hard to suck up to the psychotic shitweasels of the Tea Party and shiv Boehner in the back every chance he got, positioning himself to take over if the wingnuts were to successfully mount a coup against the Orange One after the upcoming midterm election.
And then there was the Big 2010 Bullet Fiasco, where Cantor claimed that he was a Victimized Victim of some anti-Semitic nut who shot at his office, so Democrats had better shut up about actual organized vandalism of their offices and homes. It’s very wrong to politicize that, said Cantor, since he too was a victim (the police determined pretty quickly that that bullet that struck the building where his campaign office was located was a stray round, and the building didn’t even have so much as a “Cantor headquarters” sign on it.).
Let us not forget the memorable moment when David Gregory tried to explain “women” to Mr. Cantor, who merely kept insisting “religious freedom” would be endangered if Catholics couldn’t tell their employees what to do with their privates. Because Eric Cantor loves religious freedom, except maybe if Muslims want to build a mosque in a vacant Burlington Coat Factory a couple blocks from Ground Zero.
Remember when he was all set to deliver a speech on “income inequality” and its many virtues to what he thought would be a carefully selected audience of approvingly docile business students at the Wharton School in Philadelphia, but at the last minute he was reminded that the event would be open to the public, and how he immediately cancelled, out of a rank fear that the cesspool of unemployed and low-wage commoners and Occupy Philadelphia protesters might turn up to ask a few questions about his Plan for Their Future (Guantanamo). There is no bigger fucking pussy than Cantor, running with his skirt around his ankles to Fox News, complaining that he got pimp slapped by Obama for being an obtuse douche nozzle.
Remember the 2011 debt ceiling/government shutdown mishegas of 2011, wherein Cantor was key to scuttling a bipartisan solution to the standoff? Remember Cantor boasting that it was a “fair assessment” that he was the man behind House Speaker John Boehner’s pulling out of “Grand Bargain” talks with Obama? Remember his argument that this entire debacle was better to use the issue in the 2012 election?
Deal after deal after prospective deal slid off the road after hitting a puddle of whine from Eric Cantor, annoying Obama to no end. President Obama was relegated to agreeing to disagree, only Eric Cantor never agreed to that, and poor Eric’s feelings were so very, very hurt because he did not get the respect he deserved.
And also, how a mentally ill person threatened him on YouTube. You’re nobody in Washington until a mentally ill person has threatened you on YouTube. Barry gets more YouTube threats in a day than Cantor will receive in his entire life.
And then, during the 2013 government shut down, there were those beautiful moments when even Fox’s shitforbrains Chris Wallace took him down. Like when he wanted to know why the House Republicans answered every question with “Repeal Obamacare,” and Cantor answered, “Repeal Obamacare.”
Remember him being a general idiot about absolutely everything?
In the end, the terminally panicky villain-child’s late-in-the-game, right-wing power play couldn’t save his political career. He’d been playing with fire, and finally his career went up in smoke. The one or two time he decided to be reasonable about passing legislation, had him declared RINO non grata with the Psychotic Shitweasel caucus and ultimately he lost his primary because he treasonously suggested that something might be done to fix our immigration system, even though he promised that he’d oppose any actual progress. Let us all cry some oily crocodile tears for Eric’s broken dreams.
In the end, Eric Cantor was pretty much disliked by everyone. Wingnuts hated him for trying to take guns away from decent godfearing domestic abusers, his own folks back home hated him for focusing on the intrigues of the Capitol and neglecting the demands of district service, constituent contact and visible fealty to local priorities. As for me, everything I ever heard Cantor say made me mad. I don’t know how Obama hasn’t gotten out the bat and just start swingin’. As far as I’m concerned, being in the same room as that smug asshole and not killing someone shows remarkable restraint. I used to imagine the dinner scene from the Untouchables. DeNiro as Capone at a table with his captains. He picks up a bat, strolls around the table, then breaks the skull of one of the captains. Dark red blood on a crisp white table cloth.
Cantor’s defeat seems a bit like a Game of Thrones episode, someone you don’t expect to die gets it. But even the bad guys in Game of Thrones have people who actually like them; unlike the foul vermin running unchecked in Congress I should have known better.
Time to trade in the old used assclown, for a shiny new one.
Naturally, Virginia’s neanderthal constituency is replacing on a-hole with another, worse one.
“David Brat” is a 52-year-old, passionate, self-described “free-market, Milton Friedman economist” and “economics professor” at something called Randolph-Macon College in Virginia, but also with a theology degree. The Ayn Randian Teahadi David Brat is a Libertarian who doesn’t believe in the “common” good”, calling for slashing Social Security, Medicare, and education spending and says “rich nations don’t have to fear climate change.” David Brat is still very much a product of the Kochs. Remember how they fund chairs at universities and then get to choose who fills the chairs? Yeah, that. $500k goes a long way at backwater schools.
He is a certified Shit for brains.
“Um, I don’t have a well-crafted response on that one.”
That’s a libertarian for ya. Vague, incoherent meaningless slogans. Refusal to address any specifics. Because . . . liberty! Because…stupidity! eHe throws out that his “Phd”…hahahahah but yet is incapable of answering any questions directly. Ought not he have the answers already by the mere fact he ran for the said office? Most people who don’t have a “PHD” IN economics can give a coherent answer on minimum wage. What mail order degree mill did this guy get his economics degree from? The Home School of Atlas Shrugged?
The major mental acid bath “wrote” an unpublished “book” called The Moral Philosophy of Ayn Rand. A whole book is using a lot of words just to say, “Fuck the poor.” Ayn Rand and moral philosophy should not be in the same sentence, unless it also contains “does not have a”. His current “book” project is titled “Ethics as Leading Economic Indicator? What went Wrong? Notes on the Judeo-Christian Tradition and Human Reason.” His other works include the titles “God and Advanced Mammon – Can Theological Types Handle Usury and Capitalism?” and “An Analysis of the Moral Foundations in Ayn Rand.” FFS.
He had accused Eric Cantor of “shoving immigration reform down the party’s throat” – as I’ve reported before, the right is obsessed with things being shoved down their throats – and with recent news about children crashing the party and crossing the border from Mexico into the US, the issue had new heat. In his stump speech, Dr. Brat said:
“Eric Cantor represents large corporations who want a never-ending supply of cheap, low-wage foreign labor. Eric Cantor saying he opposes amnesty is like Barack Obama saying he opposes Obamacare.”
And that is the bitter truth. David Brat, of course, means there will be no immigration reform at any time in the foreseeable future. Long-term this is political suicide for the GOP, but its leaders are focused on 2014 and believe the key to success is turning out its scared old white man base. The VA-07 result will only reinforce that conviction. But the 2016 race also got upended also. There’s been rumblings about Jebya making a run, now that Chris Christie seems like a scary mafioso, but it’s really hard to see anyone who called families crossing the border to the U.S. “an act of love” winning the GOP primary right now.
And now, we face the prospect of a House with no Eric Cantor to make fun of. Eric has the advantage of looking like a real prick so you know to steer clear just by looking.We can only hope that, after November, he’ll somehow find a way to be a weasel in the private sector.Rightwing Virginia politician out of work and probably looking for a job. 10 to 1 he’s working for the gun lobby within a month. Please let him disappear into the lobby-sphere of K Street, rather than turn up on Fox.