I was in Ocean City, NJ with my family when I saw the announcement on TV. My mom and I instantly started cheering “we won! we won!” because we knew that whatever chance McCain still had left, the Tina Fey look-alike had just shot it to hell. It’s the five-year anniversary of the day John McCain picked Sarah Palin’s perky boobies off a google image search of “lady”, printed it out, threw it on the conference table and told his staff: “American men will have a boner for this woman…and then they will vote for me.” And hence, the herpes-flare-up style political career of Sarah “Lou Sarah” Palin was born.
I have so many favorite memories of Lou Sarah. I think I will have forever embedded in my memory that interview with the struggling turkey squawking and flapping and kicking, in a futile effort to get free, while a guy in the background is quietly beheading birds. There was her grifting all that merch from Nordstrom’s, and spending $50,000 of taxpayer money to give her office a “bordello” makeover with flocked red velvet wallpaper. Another unforgettable/unforgivable moment was Palin trying to shoot that caribou which was striking a pose for her while she shot and shot, missing and missing – proving that some nimrods really do need semi-automatics for hunting. There was the gotcha journalism interview with Katie Couric, where clever Katie tricked Palin into being an illiterate idiot. Then there was that thing about Paul Revere “ringin’ those bells” to warn the British not to take away our guns, and how about that time she made the shooting of Rep. Gabby Giffords all about how libruls were blood libeling her because goddamnit isn’t everything about her?
Ah Sarah. Sarah Palin™, Snowbilly, Mooselini, Caribou Barbie, Bible Spice, Babbe Spice, Tundra Grifter, Grifterella, Trixie Tundratwat, Screeching Harpy, lipsticked hockey mom from Alaska meth capital, whatever you want to call her, the lady with the much-jogged ass single-handedly transformed the American political landscape. She was behind the Tea Party’s rapid ascent. Which gave us voter ID, Constitution-defying abortion restrictions, impeach Obama for whatever, birtherism, “palling around with terrorists”, more Donald Trump, Congress as a Death Panel repealing Obamacare 40 times, al Queda-friendly gun laws, word salads….on and on.
Thanks Sarah for destroying America. But remember: God loves America and will punish you.