Listen up, Ladies, if you’re fed up with how the Democrats have been masterminding the nationwide GOP freakout about our lady-parts (equal parts Danielle Steele novels, fallopian tubes and chocolate), and shoving immigrant abuse victims and expanding protection to same-sex couples like corndogs down our throats.”Slate” deep thinker J. Bryan Lowder explains it all in a richly nuanced piece: “Are Democrats in Danger of Looking Too Political on the Violence Against Women Act?” Short answer: “Yes”. I just read this – Happy Sunday Morning, y’all – and will parse it, word by word:
“In the “War on Women” that’s been raging these past few months, it’s clear that the Democrats have succeeded in framing the debate in their favor. The GOP—especially in the recent Obama contraception mandate controversy—has been painted as the anti-woman party, and even Republican insiders fear that the misstep could cost them dearly in an election year in which women will represent a significant portion of the voting public”.
1. The Democrats have succeeded in their “framing” and the GOP has passively “been painted” as the anti-woman party. How dare Dems point out that the Republicans hate women! I guess that’s the real misogyny, just like pointing out that racism is racist is the real racism.
2. This is an election year in which women will represent “a significant portion of the voting public.” Now, we womenz have been a “significant” share of women voting since, say, around 1920. It’s impossible to know for sure just how much of the voting block will be made up of us womenz, but it’s a lot, maybe a third, dare I say maybe even be more than half? But math is hard! More than 50% usually equals “a significant portion” – however, this is several abstract thought steps up from knowing shit from Shinola. Furthermore, any self-professed scribe who aligns such vacuous, porous and banal words, should have his ass booted out of journalism and over to a sitcom writers room pronto. It’s funny how Professor Lowder doesn’t even know the voting ratio – that more women vote than men – but the transvaginal sluts are sure to educate him at the voting booths. Moving on:
“So it’s no surprise that Congressional Republicans were unhappy to learn yesterday that the Democrats, led by the party’s female Senators, have lobbed another lady-themed political bomb their way in the form of pressure to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act. The legislation, which originally passed in 1994, is responsible for funding domestic violence prevention and prosecution programs around the country, and its renewal has traditionally been a popular bipartisan action. This time, however, Republicans on the Judiciary Committee have balked at addendums to the bill that would provide temporary visas for battered illegal immigrants and coverage for same-sex couples”.
1. The “addendums” that the GOP is balking at (all his confused, tendentious bloviations are bad enough, but not knowing the plural of “addendum” is “addenda” really grinds my gears), are: temporary visas for battered illegal immigrants. Wait, they want to give visas to abused immigrants? Where would the rageaholic MRA choads find their submissive victims/wives if they can’t lure in them in from eastern Europe and Asia and then threaten them with deportation to force them to stay married to their fat, abusive asses? And what about all the battered immigrant men? Where will they go to escape abusive wives who only want them for impregnation and dinero for fancy new hats? What Lowder neglects to explain is that currently, if an abused woman wants to stay in the country, she must shut up and endure more violence from her abuser – and this addendum fixes that. Mr. Lowder chooses not to actually discuss why the bomb-lobbing Democrats would add this poison pill for the Republicans, only, predictably, the GOP’s perceived, spin room optics.
“At the end of the Times piece, Senator Roy Blunt suggests that the new champions of women may be “in serious danger of overplaying their hand,” and I actually think he has a point. While I certainly praise the support that Democrats have displayed for women’s issues in this election cycle, I’m starting to be turned off by the giddiness with which they’ve taken on the mantle of lady defender. I admit that the issue of political tone is small potatoes compared to the very important programs and services at stake in these debates, but I’m still a little uncomfortable with the unequivocal friend-or-foe rhetoric that has come to dominate this conversation”.
1.“Trying to protect victims of violence” = “Overplaying their hand”. That this could be an equivalence at all is precisely the problem, and precisely the fault of the GOP’s wingtards. Thesis fail.
2. “I’m still a little uncomfortable with the unequivocal friend-or-foe rhetoric”. Yes, because we should be even handed here – we don’t want to be biased or anything. So, we should consider the interests of the abusers as well as those of the abused.
3. “Giddiness with which they’ve taken on the mantle of lady defender”. Perhaps Mr. Lowder is ignorant to the batshittery that has been streaming out of the emboldened statehouses recently; the contraception battle; the pre-abortion ultrasound bill; Wisconsin members classifying single motherhood as abuse; New Hampshire’s rolling back of domestic violence laws; the good folks of Arizona making it legal for your employer to fire you if you use your own store-bought birth control, etc. etc. all legislation with an R stamped on it.
4. “I admit that the issue of political tone is small potatoes compared to the very important programs and services at stake in these debates”. Yet you chose to spend your entire article condemning the people defending those “important programs and services” for displaying too much energy and enthusiasm while doing so. Because what really matters in government is that people should be as cool and savvy as you pat yourself on the ass for being.
“For the sake of victims of domestic violence, VAWA should be reauthorized as soon as possible, but Democrats need to remember that we all know they’re in the midst of a tough election contest, too. Fight the good fight for women, but please, leave the noble posturing at home”.
1. “Leave the noble posturing at home”. Yes, Democrats, delicate matters like the ladies’ issues should only be discussed in quiet rooms.
2. I love the whole “taken on the mantle” thing, as if the Democrats and Republicans are two exclusively male parties fighting over the destiny of us poor, voiceless women. Never mind that we are the majority, we must be patronized, placated, and condescended to by the “men” who decided long ago that they were the default humanoid form.
And there you have it. Why Democrats are to blame for the GOP’s War Against Women. Actually, us womenz ourselves are to blame. If we weren’t so fucking sensitive to being controlled by Republican men, as God intended, everyone could just go back to concentrating on hating blacks, immigrants, Jews and gays like Christ commanded.
As for Mr. Lowder and the good people of “Slate”, when journalism schools of the future, established in the Chinese protectorates in the mid-west and southern regions of North America, want to understand the early 21st century counterintuitive media villager cult, this poop will be on the mandatory reading list. Now If you’ll excuse me I have to go throw on a sweater vest and a sanitary napkin – the tree of liberty must be watered from time to time with the menstrual blood of tyrannical shrews.
images courtesy of Underdog