{"id":14499,"date":"2013-12-09T16:53:00","date_gmt":"2013-12-10T00:53:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/?p=14499"},"modified":"2013-12-10T10:27:33","modified_gmt":"2013-12-10T18:27:33","slug":"rush-limbaugh-save-the-pilgrims","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/?p=14499","title":{"rendered":"“Rush Limbaugh Save the Pilgrims”"},"content":{"rendered":"

The grandchildren of a lot of old coots will have an unwelcome surprise under the Christmas tree this year! \u00a0Rush Limbaugh’s demographic is shrinking and he needed to find an audience as gullible as his ditto heads – sorry kids!<\/p>\n

I was perusing the internets for an American history book for my 11-year old nephew, when I was cold assaulted by this shit:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

from “Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims”, a children’s history book by Rush Limbaugh:<\/p>\n

“Okay, okay, my name\u2019s really Rusty\u2014but my friends call me Rush. Rush Revere. Because I\u2019ve always been the #1 fan of the coolest colonial dude ever, Paul Revere. Talk about a rock star\u2014this guy wanted to protect young America so badly, he rode through those bumpy, cobblestone-y streets shouting \u201cthe British are coming!\u201d On a horse. Top of his lungs. Wind blowing, rain streaming. . . .<\/p>\n

Well, you get the picture. But what if you could get the\u00a0real<\/em> picture\u2014by actually\u00a0going back in time<\/em> and seeing with your own eyes how our great country came to be? Meeting the people who made it all happen\u2014people like you and me?”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Someday, I hope to be able to pay for my gluttony by publishing books that blatantly troll the media, slander entire races of people, attack the concept of educating children, and soil the field of history for my own enrichment.\u00a0Rush Limbaugh is truly living the dream. Specifically, the “Old Hag” dream, where you squat revoltingly on your paralyzed victim’s chest, murmuring obscenities while crushing the breath out of them. In Rush LImbaugh’s historical fan fiction about himself, befitting a man of great narcissism, the book\u2019s hero is \u201ca fearless middle-school substitute \u00a0history teacher named Rush Revere.” Rush\u2019s fantasy alter ego\u00a0travels back in time and experiences American history as it happens. The book\u2019s cover is emblazoned with a hilariously smoothed over, slimmed down, colonial-garbed caricature of Limbaugh (that also incidentally serves the logo of his patriot-themed brand of iced tea<\/span><\/a>*<\/span><\/strong>).<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The story itself is based on a heart-warming Thanksgiving-themed tale about the first harvest feast with the Wampanoag. Forget inviting the locals over to give thanks to God for not wiping out the entire colony in its first year after\u00a0the indigenous population was obliterated by smallpox and the Pilgrims allowed them to build their settlement on what was left behind by the decimated population, or, as Rush sees it,<\/p>\n

\u201cThe true story of Thanksgiving is how socialism failed.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Rush wants to “set the record straight on American history”. Of course, in Limbaugh’s version of Thanksgiving,\u00a0there will be a complete chapter on Rush’s Revolutionary War Hero, Hector Heathcote, and he made sure to stress that his book\u2014 one he hopes will be the first in a series\u2014 <\/em>has no political agenda. He promised his “listeners”:<\/p>\n

“The true story of Thanksgiving. There’s no politics in this.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But, you see, Limbaugh’s told his version of the Thanksgiving story before – how \u00a0the settlers of Plymouth Plantation\u00a0nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. And they shared their bounty with the Indians. Actually, they sold some of it to \u2018em. With all the great expectations and high hopes, socialism failed. And self-reliance, rugged individualism, free enterprise, whatever you call it, resulted in prosperity that they never\u00a0dreamed <\/em>of.\u00a0He once concluded his oft told tale\u00a0like so<\/span><\/a>:<\/strong><\/p>\n

“The true story of Thanksgiving is how socialism failed. With all the great expectations and high hopes, it failed. And self-reliance, rugged individualism, free enterprise, whatever you call it, resulted in prosperity that they never dreamed of.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Sure, the Indians got displaced and killed and whatnot, but when you steal something from someone and then sell it back to them, they call that capitalism – it’s the American Way. They also had the privilege of buying stuff from Americans! Lucky ducks! We gave them warm bathrooms, comfortable shoes and plenty of white womenz we could pretend they raped and kill them for and still they won’t shut up. Heck, we sold them the blankets but threw in the smallpox for free!<\/p>\n

Hopefully at least, there will be drug addled citations and footnotes for 6 year olds to laugh at. If there\u2019s one source we would look to for serious historical scholarship about Thanksgiving, it is a bloviating draft-dodging hostile bag of goo like Rush Limbaugh! A tidbit from the book (not really):<\/p>\n

“Kids, there are times in a Turkey’s life when you gotta make an anal cyst excuse. Like when you’re asked to fight in a war you support with all your heart as long as other Turkeys (especially the Jive Turkey variety) go in your place because you love US America soooo much. Sometimes a Turkey just loves his woman, but there are times when he needs to get away so he flies to the Dominican Rep for some relaxation with Turkey pals, but you need to be careful and not take someone else’s giblet medicine or you will be mocked by the cruel Turkey liberals. Then Rush Revere got high and ate the whole damn turkey,\u00a0O.D. on stuffing which caused him to lose his hearing. The end”.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The book has racked up thousands of 5-Star ratings on the Amazon, as apparently their are legions of dopes so invested in their prophet of “free enterprise” and the traditional value of hating one’s enemies (American citizens), \u00a0that they would actually indoctrinate their children with fictitious co-opted versions of real persons from American history surround by glittery, hackneyed fantasies.\u00a0There are already reams of children’s literature for those who see American patriotism as a value to grow up with – one might wonder what else would prompt parents to further enrich a man who has already sacrificed three marriages and all too many cigars and off-market pills on the altar of his vanity, all the while spewing countless deceptions shrouded in comedy or controversy as pearls to his flocks of entranced followers.<\/p>\n

Anyhoo, what, exactly,\u00a0inspired Mr. Limbaugh, a man who has never fathered a child,\u00a0\u00a0to share his Thanksgiving wisdom with the kiddos?<\/p>\n

\u201cMy wife Kathryn came up with an idea that literally lit a fire under me.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Literally lit a fire under him. You\u2019ve no idea how much I wish that sentence were literally true, lighting a fire under that sack of shit would be eleventy exploding poop lagoons! With all of the book’s inaccuracies and just plain invented history, it’s far more likely that “my wife Kathryn came up with an idea that literally lit a fire under me,\u201d was her saying “die in a fire, you 5-time divorced, anal cyst bearing, Oxycotin binging, Dominican rentboy chasing hate monger, who has never fathered a child”.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe said, \u2018You know you\u2019re always talking about how history is being mistaught. You\u2019re right. You\u2019re always talking about what kids are learning these days, and they\u2019re not learning about the greatness of America. They\u2019re not learning about the founding days. They\u2019re not learning the right things about the great people, the exceptional people in this country.\u2019 She said, \u2018Why don\u2019t you write a book for kids?\u2019\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"\"<\/a>It is the\u00a0delusional thinking process of\u00a0Kathryn Rush Limbaugh,\u00a0a 30-something year old Florida event planner,\u00a0that’s the real mystery here. The good lady – an (apparently) sentient, actual woman\u00a0trapped\u00a0in fat-goat paradise, bound in holiest matrimony to a sweaty, loathsome, snorfling, terribly inelegant and not-nice person –\u00a0sorts through the detritus of her husband’s three (?) previous failed marriages. She reads about his homosexual affairs while at one of the worst schools in the country, SE Missouri State college (from which he flunked out). She hears him call Obama supporters ” sycophants who are going to die of anal poisoning”, and\u00a0reads about his vigorous support of the Vietnam War while personally dodging the draft – via anal cyst excuse – thus\u00a0saving himself from military service in order to lift our flagging morale in the years since.\u00a0Every single day, Kathryn is face to face with his bloated visage, his overeating and his addiction to heroin-like drugs Oxycodone and Hydrocodone. She looks shamed on stories of his 2006 sex tourism romp to the Dominican Republic<\/span><\/a><\/strong> that led to his being detained<\/span><\/a> <\/strong>at Palm Beach International Airport by the DEA and customs officials who confiscated illegal Viagra from her husband’s dop-kit. Florida loves its sports, yet this Florida native knows her husband has\u00a0made a career out of stereotyping African-Americans as violent savages and criminals,\u00a0was deemed too racist <\/span><\/a><\/strong>for the NFL<\/span>, and that he called pro basketball players “Crips and Bloods”, and called for the abolishing of the NBA.\u00a0\u00a0Kathryn watches her betrothed strut around with a huge, foul, phallic cigar sticking out of his snarling mouth. She listens to him call \u00a0women “sluts” and “feminazis” on his radio show. And where does all this lead Mrs. Rush Limbaugh? Why, Wife #4 concludes from the massive pile of evidence before her that her husband needs to write a book, on American history, for children. Kathryn Rush\u00a0thinks back in shame on her husband’s 30-year record of analyzing everything through an over-simplified, partisan, sensationalized, and nationalistic propaganda Oxy haze, and suggests he put the family name on a ghost-written, error-ridden screed from a barely literate Republican propagandist, despite the fact that her husband still has books in his own personal library that he has yet to finish coloring.\u00a0Sorry, Mrs. L, you won’t be able to distract Big R forever. Eventually, that porcine narco-gaze is going to settle on you and the overriding wife-related question that inevitably bubbles through what remains of that confused, drug-addled brain of his will rise to the level of what passes for consciousness in Limbaugh:<\/p>\n

“It ain’t for sex, and everybody knows that for sure…so what exactly is she doing here?”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Then, just like all the others who came before you, you’ll be booted out the double-wide, brass encrusted Limbaugh front door. Then you can count your lucky stars that you are no longer entwined with a horrible monster ruined by drugs and hatred.<\/p>\n

Anyhoo, be on the lookout for the sequel to “Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrim”s:\u00a0Thanksgiving 2, Pillaging Boogaloo. <\/em>This one covers the story of slavery, about how the African savages\u00a0begged\u00a0the white man to save them and bring them to this wonderful new place called “America”\u2014a place where the savages would get new names that white folks could pronounce, and learn the value of a hard day’s work. It ends when those ungrateful new Americans decided they wanted a slight raise in pay and embraced 19th century Marxism, thus ruining the lives of many good, God-fearing white folk.<\/p>\n

“Two if by Tea”:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

* <\/span><\/strong>Being a media mogul, and\u00a0because Oxycontin and underage Dominican rent boys aren’t going to pay for themselves, and because why shouldn’t Rush Limbaugh cash in on the Tea Party, Rush made sure to vertically integrate the hell out of his book. “Rush Revere,\u201d rides around on a\u00a0talking, time-traveling, time-stopping horse named Liberty who is always hungry\u00a0(feel sorry for his horse!),\u00a0America like a modern day hero, ringin’ bells and singin’ songs, and telling’ us all about patriotism by\u00a0selling us crappy Snapple knockoff tea. Heartwarming, eh? Now if Rush can just find some Injuns to sell his soft drinks to, America\u2019s greatness will be restored. I commend his bravery in promoting the drink of our motherland, tea, rather than the brew of coffee that the Quaker pacifist yankee traders afflicted our nation with. I mean, it’s not like the\u00a0whole point is that the colonists stopped drinking tea, and started drinking coffee, to protest the tea tax, right? \u00a0This patriotic tea is tea harvested from pesticide and fungicide treated genetically modified plants grown upon on the treacherous piedmont soil in liberal Taxachusetts. I presume it is grown in\u00a0irrigated petrochemical fertilized soil, harvested by free market imported child labor and stabilized to rigid standards by additives.It’s steeped in a weird slurry of Tea Party paranoia, false history, American flags, and Bibles, and it tastes just like fear and white man’s resentment. Ah, the nectar of the Empire!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

the horse looks positively wigged out and who can blame him!<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em>Hopefully, Rush put his prescription-drug-haze philosophical ramblings on the side of each bottle like with Dr. Bronner’s soap! That would be rad. And if you look closely, you will see the recycling symbol on the bottle which is weird when Rushbo viciously criticizes environmentalists. I investigated this on his website – I am fine, thanks – and he mansplains that having a recycling symbol on each Two If By Tea\u2122 bottle is merely for labeling and industry requirements. <\/em>It is not meant to be a political statement of any sort or an attempt to “Save the Planet” as many environmentalist wackos would suggest.<\/p>\n

So, the big questions is: are we supposed to throw Limbaugh’s tea out the window, or dump it in the ocean? Since Massachusetts has strict environmental laws, I suggest we flush it down the toilet, like his stash before a DEA raid.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The grandchildren of a lot of old coots will have an unwelcome surprise under the Christmas tree this year! \u00a0Rush Limbaugh’s demographic is shrinking and he needed to find an audience as gullible as his ditto heads – sorry kids! … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14499","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14499","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14499"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14499\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14554,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14499\/revisions\/14554"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14499"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14499"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/hauntedlibrary\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14499"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}