{"id":2667,"date":"2015-12-17T04:21:20","date_gmt":"2015-12-17T12:21:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/?p=2667"},"modified":"2018-12-23T13:20:41","modified_gmt":"2018-12-23T21:20:41","slug":"worst-christmas-specials-of-my-lifetime","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/?p=2667","title":{"rendered":"How Television Ruined Christmas in the 1970s"},"content":{"rendered":"

Reposted from 2010.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

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Christmas, as we all know, is a time of joy, goodfellowship, and political score settling, as well as some good old fashioned rioting for electronics. Four decades ago, televised Christmas specials were as integral to the celebration of the birth of the baby Jesus as trees, lights and presents. When we reference holiday specials on TV in the 1970’s, we immediately harken fondly back to Clarice’s big, batting eyelashes, The Grinch’s big heart, and Linus’ Jesus speech. We view the entire genre through rose colored glasses. The truth is, most holiday specials on TV in this era were actually crap, traumatizing even. Some really weird gravitas must have pervaded the teevvee writer’s rooms back then.<\/p>\n

Unlock your repressed memories, old folks. There\u2019s more to the history of the TV Christmas special than The Island Of Misfit Toys and The Gospel according to Peanuts. And I am going to tell you about it.<\/p>\n

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\"\"Frosty the Snowman<\/strong><\/span><\/a> – 1969 (warning: this review contains expletives and spoilers).<\/h3>\n

Nothing conveys the holiness of the Christmas season more than snowmen, because Jesus would have grown up around this great totem of spirituality. Whomever thought making an entire TV show around that horrible and annoying song is what we refer to as a “hack”. Put a hat on a fucking snowman and he begins to dance around\u009d. Once he’s done marching through town and melts – the villain being\u00a0the sun <\/em>– the story ends and “he has to “hurry on his way” (a quaint reference to the ephemeral nature of snowmen). “He’ll be back again someday”.<\/p>\n

“THE END”.\u00a0<\/strong>No, there is an entire Christmas Special squeezed out of this garbage. I mean, the “Rudolph” song at least tells a\u00a0story <\/em>– outcast losers bullied by both children and adults, who triumph by proving a greater worth. Not just our nasal-nosed hero, but Herbie, Cornelius, the entire fucking island of misfit toys.<\/p>\n

The “Frosty” animation is atrocious, the story -telling lazy, the characters hateful. Old Frosty is not cute, not funny, he’s\u00a0stupid <\/em>(he can’t\u00a0count)<\/em>, he is a total moron. His hiLARious go-to line is “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Jackie Vernon\u2019s VO is a retarded galoot.\u00a0There is a verse in the very stupid song about the traffic cop, who hollers “STOP”! Said Cop shows up as a whole character in, an ethnic idiot, a drunken, Irish buffoon who is bamboozled by a fucking snowman. Frosty’s nemesis is a bumbling, huge- snouted amateur magician who spends all day fiddling with his cards and shit and practicing his awful magic act, when all along his fucking hat is actually magic.<\/em> It’s not Magic “suddenly” when it lands on Frosty’s head, or when it’s touched by Christmas snow\u00a0it is magic<\/em>.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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Moreover, the hapless magician is wrongly vilified for wanting\u00a0his <\/em>hat back when he\u00a0does <\/em>discover that it’s actually magic. Although he tosses it towards<\/em> the trashcan, when it starts bunny-hopping bouncing away (the bunny within), he lumbers after it in desperation –\u00a0he clearly still wants it.<\/em> He pursues the hat onto the playground, and when the wind blows it away, stupid Karen snatches it! Does our little heroine return the lost property to it’s rightful owner? NO. She\u00a0takes<\/em> it and immediately plops it on Frosty’s head, as if it was hers to keep! The lesson is what? “Finders keepers” trumps “do the right thing”? Instead of reasoning with the magician, everyone wrongly asserts that it is\u00a0not his hat<\/em>,\u00a0despite his clear efforts to catch it seconds ago.<\/em> The narrator then states in a lordly manner: “now, of course, the hat\u00a0did<\/em> belong to Frosty and the children.” Wait,\u00a0what?<\/em>\u00a0This sound-byte strikes me as the classic “assumptive assertion”, used by salespeople (“cash or credit?”) as well as magicians “now, as we saw, the bag was completely empty…” He says it, which means it is so.<\/p>\n

Actually, in “Frosty”, the entire premise<\/em> of right and wrong is predicated on the flimsiest of playground ethics: “Move your meat, lose your seat.” This particular rhyme has always struck me as a childishly selfish, a mean spirited ‘ism’, and a passive form of “might makes right”. If this attitude were isolated to children, it would be tolerable, but, depressingly, adults are stupidly subject to the influence of these sound bytes as well, “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit”. The Frosty arc continues with this “established fact” of the children’s domain over the hat, and\u00a0even Santa<\/em> takes this side without any attempt at compromise or conflict resolution, resorting to threats and bribes.<\/p>\n

An example of the low brow, hacky comedy is when the wacky train conductor informs Karen and Frosty that it’ll be “8 thousand dollars” for a ticket to the North Pole. $8,000 is a lot but even if it were 2 cents they couldn’t afford the fare. BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY. The conductor shrieks and convulses, apoplectic: No MONEY??? That’s the joke. The\u00a0whole<\/em> joke. The punchline is that the train conductor wants to be paid for selling the passengers tickets.<\/p>\n

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The only part of this whole mess I liked was the train car full of \u00a0pretty “Christmas Cakes”. \u00a0But WHY they are carrying frozen cakes to the North Pole? And WHY does selfish, stupid Frosty choose the ONE mode of travelling transport that – despite being perfect for him and\u00a0his<\/em> fat ass –\u00a0will literally kill Karen?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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And why is Karen putting her life on the line for that stupid snowman anyway? Why does she love him THAT MUCH? When they stupid\"karen5\"<\/a>ly hide in a fucking\u00a0greenhouse <\/em>and Frosty dissolves into a puddle of water, Karen sobs like her mother was murdered and collapses in Santa’s arms. While Karen is\u00a0convulsing over the puddle that was Frosty, we are subjected to a sorrowful montage of all the great times she and Frosty had within the last 10 minutes.<\/p>\n

Despite the horrible lazy, stupid story-telling, the crap animation, the completely unlikeable and forgettable characters, the godawful voice acting, and that one horrible song repeated over and over and over again, they show it every year and everyone pretends it’s a “classic”. Moreover, 3 sequels were produced<\/em>, “Frosty’s Winter Wonderland” (based on the song “Winter Wonderland”) in which\u00a0Frosty got married<\/em>, “Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July” , “The Legend of Frosty the Snowman” and a horrific derivative work, “Frosty Returns”.\u00a0All shit<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Star Wars Christmas Special<\/span><\/a><\/h3>\n

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The first 20 minutes are completely in “Wookie” – you know, that annoying howl we were introduced to in the movies in small spurts? The Star War Christmas Special is all about <\/em>the riveting star “Chewbacca”, and Chewbacca’s attempts to get home to celebrate “Life Day” (?) with his wife (?) <\/em>and son. Long stretches of this peculiar special are sans dialogue, as we suffer through Chewbacca’s family talking to each other in their grating native tongue. Produced in the years between “Star Wars” and “The Empire Strikes Back”, and during the peak of the vaudevillian variety special era, this holiday special was an abject oddity. It featured exciting movie stars: Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford, Anthony Daniels and Peter Mayhew and guest appearances by scintillating stars Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Harvey Korman, Diahann Carroll and Jefferson Starship. This bizarre spectacle was co-written by Bruce Vilanch, king of the cheesy variety specials of the seventies, who was over his head in trying to integrate the holidays and Wookies in space.<\/p>\n

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The Spirit of Christmas<\/span><\/a> and\u00a0T’was the Night Before Christmas<\/span><\/a><\/h3>\n

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A nightmare-inducing, special treat for us Philly kids. Broadcast on our local PBS affiliate, the program was split into 2 nightmarish segments featuring the “Mable Beaton Marionettes”. The first is a presentation of Clement C. Moore’s poem, “Twas the Night Before Christmas” starring a demonic looking Santa Claus with glittering green cat eyes. Who the FUCK would be that horrific, smoking Santa puppet (above) into a kid’s show?? “The Spirit of Christmas” segment was – naturally – the story of the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Enacted by puppets. Serious Puppetress Ms. Beaton maintained that her forte was serious material, but the Santa segment was her concession to the commercial appeal of secular Christmas stories.<\/p>\n

Sonny and Cher Christmas Show, 1976<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

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The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour<\/em> gave us several Christmas specials by the couple, who specialized in selling an illusion of marital bliss in the early 1970’s. It is the “post divorce” special in 1976 that really hits a seemingly impossible low for the couple. Divorce proceedings were notoriously ugly, with Cher\u00a0\u00a0citing \u201cinvoluntary servitude\u201d and accusing\u00a0Sonny of withholding her earnings and he took her to court for custody of Chastity. But let’s do a Christmas special and drag Chastity into it.Chastity looks sometimes awkward, sometimes bored, sometime traumatized, sometimes and on the verge on tears.\u00a0In one sketch, Captain Kangaroo – who is the special guest – \u00a0plays an angel flying over people dining alone in a pizza restaurant on Christmas Eve.<\/p>\n

During the\u00a0big Christmas medley<\/a>\u00a0with Chastity and Captain Kangaroo. \u00a0Cher grabs her infant son Elijah and\u00a0blasts the chorus<\/a> of \u201cSanta Claus Is Coming to Town\u201d right into his face, from like inches away.\u00a0The drooling baby seems to be able to see it all: the truth of the deep hatred between Sonny and Cher; \u00a0Chastity becoming Chaz and hoofing it on on \u201cDancing With the Stars”;\u00a0Sonny dying in a skiing accident;\u00a0all the lies of Christmas specials past. The infant bursts into tears.<\/p>\n

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Benji’s Very Own Christmas Story! <\/span>–<\/a> 1978<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"benjis-very-own-christmas-story-santa-welcomes-benji\"Benji’s Christmas Story is set in an exotic locale, is celebrity-free and is highlighted by – according to TV Guide – by a “lavish dance sequence featuring Kris [Kringle] and 65 elves”. The “plot” revolves around the actors from the “Benji” movies on a promotional tour in Switzerland.<\/p>\n

\"benjis-very-own-christmas-story-benji-santas-workshop\"<\/a><\/p>\n

At some point, the actors are asked to be Grand Marshalls of a Christmas parade in Zermatt. Benji doesn’t do much, gets carted around a lot, like so much taxidermy. The elves have to take over for Kris Kringle when he breaks his leg, thus miss the once in a lifetime opportunity to meet the world’s most famous mutt.\u00a0With help from the Benji actors – including the feathered haired Cindy, in the coolest winter togs ever (plaid coat with white fur hood, red tights and white fur boots), bitchy Kringle realizes the true meaning of Christmas and performs the aforementioned lavish musical number. Complete trash.<\/p>\n

The Carpenters at Christmas”<\/span> –<\/a> 1977<\/span><\/h3>\n

The premise of this de\"93747930\"pressing, 1977 Yuletide special is mind numbingly simple: Karen has the gang over to her contempt penthouse apartment for an album wrap holiday party, but her crabby, luded out, brother Richard has the holiday blues and wants to bow out altogether because he is a total asshole.\u00a0Karen is totally bummed out, assuming that it’s her fault for not being “old fashioned” enough for old Richard. Flash back to happier times – specifically the 1890’s – a full-on gay 90’s fantasy replete with lavender, fur-lined frock coats and bandstand.<\/p>\n

Richard mopes around LA. winding up \u00a0in a seedy coffee shop where Harvey Korman is the wacky proprietor.\u00a0Enter a ebullient Kristy McNichol as a little girl with nowhere to go on Christmas. Burr Tillstrom drags out Kukla and Ollie (without Fan) for a vaudeville style routine..<\/p>\n

\"o_the-carpenters-christmas-specials-karen-carpenter-2-dvd-bf2d\"<\/a>The incomparable Kristy is the bright light in this special, infectious as she performs song and dance routines with a thin, but still bright looking Karen, while a very doped-up and closeted Richard – whose world we know has already begun to crumble down around him – mopes around.<\/p>\n

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‘The Carpenters: A Christmas Portrait’ <\/span><\/a>– 1978<\/h3>\n

\"kristy\" Designed to coincide with the album release which failed to crack the top 100 that year but is now rightfully considered a holiday classic. Richard was keeping\u00a0his sister on a treadmill of morose songs and touring and at the height of his Methaqualone addiction, and Karen – of the velvety voiced\u00a0rich, mournful alto- is achingly thin, sick.\u00a0The first Special had Karen living alone in a penthouse apartment. This one has the sad siblings\u00a0living together<\/em> in a cozy house, a set that resembles their real life family home. In one sad scene, a frail Karen sings ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town’ as she whips up Christmas cookies for the gang in the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\"karensick\"<\/a>\"karen5\"<\/a>The Carpenters border on the catatonic. That’s because Karen is SICK, and Richard is jacked up on downers to dull the psychotic rage of the closeted gay and the tyrant that burned within him. One month after ‘The Carpenters: A Christmas Portrait’<\/em> aired, Richard checked into a clinic for his Quaalude addiction<\/p>\n

Kristy McNichol is back again to shine light into the sibling misery, this time with her creepy, tone-deaf brother Jimmy in tow. Next to The Carpenters, Kristy is a shiny haired, beaming specimen of teen dreamery. It’s 1978 and Kristy is the It Girl. Alas, the uncharismatic Jimmy drags her down. The brother and sister’s rendition\u00a0of a Spanish carol – “sung” wearing matching white pants suits – \u00a0is as painful to watch as it sounds.<\/p>\n

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Special guests include this freak, Gene Kelly and the understandably uncomfortable and noticeably upset-looking Carpenter parents. The Special is painful in it’s window into the future, an all too real version of Scrooge portending a dead Tiny Tim and his own lonely grave. It’s less a celebration of<\/p>\n

Christmas than a painful series of moments framed by unfortunate circumstances and percolating with portentous tragedy. A holly, jolly train wreck.\u00a0A few years later, Karen Carpenter collapsed of heart failure and died in what is obstensibly this set – the Carpenter parent’s home in Downey, California – \u00a0a house that she and Richard originally bought for themselves it sounds.<\/p>\n

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Annie Christmas Special<\/span><\/a>,<\/span> 1977<\/h3>\n

\"Unknown\"<\/a>If you were around in 1977 you would remember that ANNIE was more than just a Broadway-related phenomenon. It crossed-over into the country’s consciousness more than any today one can believe. \u00a0This prompted their own terrible Christmas Special, from NBC, set to capitalize on the huge success of the show.<\/p>\n

The setting is the Alvin Theatre after the curtain has gone down on a pre-Christmas performance. The fourth wall breaking “plot” is patently petarded. The original Broadway cast of kids are disgusted that they have to work on Christmas. They demand a Christmas party!<\/p>\n

But there is nowhere to hold it! Annie suggests the theater itself! But the skin-flint theatre owner, “Mr. Nickelander” is on his way to Florida! And he knows that union theater workers are too lazy to work on Christmas for free!<\/p>\n

The annoying show-biz kids in the cast –\u00a0remarkably un-cute except for the littlest one who is just a delight – \u00a0beg the churlish wardrobe mistresses, stage hands, and electricians to join the party. The\u00a0parodic, lazy, grouchy “union workers” have to agree to work unpaid overtime so that they can throw the party at the theatre. Yup, that’s the plot. It is so stupid!<\/p>\n

The second half of the show is an improvement, complete with a long medley of songs from \u201cAnnie,\u201d and a cool jazzy dance number from the wonderful Peter Gennaro. And then there’s Dorothy Loudon.<\/p>\n

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The infinitesimal production value, the digs at\u00a0child labor laws, pesky union rules and cheap producers as well as the creepy stereotypes. make this a grim holiday disaster.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t believe me? Watch the first ten minutes of this jaw-dropping wonder<\/span>\u00a0.<\/a><\/p>\n

Here’s\u00a0Andrea Mcardle singing a stupefied, soulless version of Little DrummerBoy.<\/p>\n