{"id":15882,"date":"2012-10-29T10:51:47","date_gmt":"2012-10-29T18:51:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/?p=15882"},"modified":"2012-10-29T11:04:31","modified_gmt":"2012-10-29T19:04:31","slug":"open-letter-to-the-red-states","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/?p=15882","title":{"rendered":"Open Letter to the Red States"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

via craigslist<\/span><\/a> of all places<\/p>\n

Dear Red States…<\/p>\n

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and\u00a0we’re taking the other Blue States with us.<\/p>\n

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,\u00a0Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We\u00a0believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially\u00a0to the people of the new country of New California.<\/p>\n

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.\u00a0We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot\u00a0Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.<\/p>\n

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.\u00a0We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.\u00a0We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.\u00a0We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You\u00a0get Alabama.\u00a0We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states\u00a0pay their fair share.<\/p>\n

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the\u00a0Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
\nbunch of single moms.<\/p>\n

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and\u00a0anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at\u00a0once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have\u00a0kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no\u00a0purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their\u00a0children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and\u00a0hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our\u00a0resources in Bush’s Quagmire.<\/p>\n

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent\u00a0of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple\u00a0and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of\u00a0America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)\u00a090 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most\u00a0of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and\u00a0condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,\u00a0Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.<\/p>\n

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88\u00a0percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care\u00a0costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the\u00a0tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern\u00a0Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,\u00a0Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.<\/p>\n

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.<\/p>\n

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was\u00a0actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred\u00a0unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say\u00a0that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved\u00a0in 9\/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people\u00a0with higher morals then we lefties.<\/p>\n

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt\u00a0weed they grow in Mexico.<\/p>\n

Peace out,
\nBlue States<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

via craigslist of all places Dear Red States… We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and\u00a0we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,\u00a0Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We\u00a0believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially\u00a0to the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15882","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15882","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=15882"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15882\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15889,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15882\/revisions\/15889"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=15882"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=15882"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/teensleuth.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=15882"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}