Post Secession Texas
Oh say can you see an America without Texas? Yes. I think I can!
The Texas Nationalist Movement marked Texas Independence Day with a rally on Saturday at the Capitol urging Texans to save the state by seceding from the United States. It’s sad to think there was once a tradition in Texas of southern progressivism, Lyndon Johnson and Southern Democrats raised on the New Deal that broke the back of southern massive resistance by finding common ground. But since the mid 1960s, the red (neck) states have given themselves over, increasingly, to those who believe the ideals of the old confederacy are superior to what has come since. And Texas leads the pack in God-appointed self-importance and entitlement. They think they are America. They call themselves “conservatives” and sometimes “Christian patriots,” but, the thing is, the ideas are pretty consistently not conservative, Christian, OR patriotic. I mean, what the hell is more unpatriotic than wanting to secede the Union?? Jeez, I hope Obama will have the good sense not to make the same mistake Lincoln made, and that he’ll let ’em go this time.
I’m all for a “states right” to opt out of America if they want. But, after all these years in the Union, we’d need to lay down some ground rules. Just as we have Constitutional provisions for a state entering the Union, so should we have provisions for a state wanting to abandon it. No hard feelings, guys, just Democracy at work! If the fleeing state is a “Donor “state (owes nothing to the Federal Government), it should be permitted to secede by – let’s just say 2/3 of – its citizens vote and a simple majority vote from the other states. Of course we would need an agreement to get back the donated money of – let’s just say – the last 30 years. If the seceding state is a “Receiver” state, then in addition to the 2/3 vote of its citizenry, 2/3 of the other states must agree to the proposal, also. There would be a consensus to return all Federal money that had been donated for a pre determined period – let’s just say 30 years – of time. Just as we have clear, detailed marriage, divorce and bankruptcy laws on the books, we should have such provisions for both statehood & secession. The Republic of Texas only joined the US because it was dead broke anyway, there is no way in hell the rest of America, or our Chinese bankers, are going to let it just leave without squaring the books and having it take care of its share of the national debt. They are actually getting off cheap, seeing that the only reason Houston is even a city is because of massive federal spending 70+ years ago. Houston, Galveston, Corpus Christi, exist because after they were wiped out by ecological disasters, droughts, dustbowls and depressions, federal money poured in to their build military bases, munitions factories, POW camps, hospitals, and the hundreds of thousands of bereft farmers were able to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” (Never forget).
It’s funny this secession thing is rearing its head again now, seeing that Texas – which crafts a budget every two years – is facing a whopping ($27 billion?) shortfall for its 2010-2011 fiscal years. It plugged nearly all its deficit with $6.4 billion in Obama Care Recovery Act money, allowing it to leave its rainy day fund untouched. Next year….no more stimulus money. So for all you coots advocating secession because of “federal spending”, you might want to have that Governor of yours open the books. Let’s draw a comparison between US states and ailing European countries: Texas is America’s Ireland, once praised as a model for economic growth and it’s pro-business, no union, low tax, low-spending strategy, and hailed as the forward thinker for all of Europe. Then…well, it blew up. That’s Texas. It’s the Bush/Greenspan bubble bursting has finally seeped all the way down the national alimentary canal to it’s terminus. Texas, the sleeper state budget crisis of 2011.
If the secessionists think their taxes are unsustainable now, what about when it’s its own country and fully responsible for its own national defense and border security (to name just two problem areas)? Martial arts idiot Chuck Norris has already said he would be the country’s president, so President Chuck Norris of the Republic of Texas would be left to sort out issues like those related to ownership. Whose refineries are they? Whose roads? Whose airports? Whose schools? Whose water treatment plants? Whose rural electricity programs? Whose oil? Texas became a net importer of oil sometime in the 1990s, so on day one they have to pay for their most basic commodity…with what money? Arcade tokens? Texas Scrip? Would Mexico accept it? Venezuela? Okay, but, but… what about the Gulf of Mexico production? FEDERAL waters, FEDERAL. Let’s see, Fort Hood: worlds largest military base, Houston: space exploration, San Antonio….largest recipient of Medicare. Austin? “weird”, sure, but also among the largest recipients of military spending in the Union. Texas is numero uno in claims for federal disaster relief, and no FEMA the next time they get hit by an act of God, no more Department of Defense money pouring into Lackland AFB, Fort Hood, Fort Bliss and Fort Sam Houston, Corpus Christi and Red River, no more NASA in Houston, that’s ok we can move it to its rightful place in Disneyworld. They can keep their gazillion miles of highways, good luck paying to keep them up, not sure what Texas will do with the ports, who cares, New Orleans can build more. No more border security, fellas, so stock up on firearms before the Mexicans figure out what’s going on, and I can live without SXSW if it means the rest of the country becomes free to routinely elect presidents who can read at the eighth grade level, come to think of it, with Texas’s schoolbook purchasing power out of the picture, “eighth grade level” will likely become a much higher standard. I insist that that they build a wall around their US border – they like walls, right? – we don’t need another immigration problem to deal with! Texans, of course, would need passports to come into the United States…lest they try to sneak over the border ILLEGALLY. I hope George W Bush is stocked up on pretzels and beer because – as he cannot travel outside of the US now – should Texas no longer be America, he would be persona non grata in the US (arrested upon entry).
For Real America, it’s all positives as far I can tell. The GOP would lose 30+ Congressional seats right out of the gate. And think of the shift in the electoral votes! Why with those electoral votes and that vile congressional delegation gone, the increasingly regional GOP would have to move to the center…or die. We would have Texas to export lots of US goods to – IF we wanted to. Not that they could afford much….once stripped of their military, postal system and intelligence service, and all the little things the fed supplies, they would need about….$400/$500 billion in startup costs? How to raise that kind of money? Church collections? Bake sales? Car washes? “American Ingenuity”? No, that won’t do it…… the requisite taxation to raise that kind of money would have businesses jumping ship to Arizona, or Nevada. Sayonara “America’s Team”, because the aforementioned taxation wouldn’t leave disposable income in anybody’s pockets to support major league sports franchises. Then there’s what Texicans would consider problemo numero uno – and with the Latino population explosion threatening to reach a voting majority point sometime in the next 25 years we could very well see Tejas right back en el pecho de México. Which gets me thinking that Texas without the rest of the country would kind of be like Mexico: scorching dustbowl of a low tax, low services state with high rates of uninsureds and shitty education, attracting the low skilled and low paid in unsafe industries. Sure there’s opportunity in Texas – Austin’s high tech sector and ironic coffee bars, Houston’s space and chemical, Dallas’ insurance and Grassy Knoll Tourism and whatever the hell else they do in Dallas – if you’re white and not discriminating and have received a decent education somewhere else. If you’re willing move to this shithole, you can get a better paying job, pay less taxes and buy a cheaper house so it makes sense to take advantage of benefits in a high services state and then move to Texas where you won’t have to give back as much to the next generation. But all that ends when you can’t come and go as you please, when you have to cross proverbial international waters (by “waters” I mean stench filled, chemical runoff).
Listen. We all want more government services than we care to pay taxes to support. Any poll will reveal that 100% of humans want to pay less taxes and cut government spending, but they sure as hell don’t want government cutting the programs that benefit them personally! What I do? Well I shut up and pay my taxes and thank my lucky stars that I live in the United States of America. All this liberal hating brainwashing against unions, good paying, safe and stable jobs, and the government for no reason other than to turn America into a fascist dictatorship where all the power lies with Ronald Reagan, is getting really boring. So for the states buying into this malarky, GO. Just, you know, be careful what you wish for, because basically, what I’m trying to say is that within one year that big ol’ hunk of North America called Texas would look like a demilitarized zone, The Gulf would look like the primordial ooze and Amarillo would likely have dropped a nuke on Austin (we expect some sort of Visigothic sacking of Austin and will keep it as our West Berlin, if they keep Crawford Ranch as GITMO. All (liberal) political refuges will be given asylum in our lands to the North, East and West).
Texans, your Death Star State can go. Your neighboring states live in terror because of their proximity to you, your hideous vastness encompasses every type of bad climate and terrain (humidity, semi-arid plains, searing heat, deserts, tundras. etc.), your elected Governor carries a laser -sighted .380 Ruger in his jogging shorts. Why, way back in 1845, the Federal Government realized that public opinion was in favor of annexing your ass! From your annexation from the Union, to this day and every day in between, you’ve been one giant shitbrick and a thorn in the ass of grace, good taste, dignity and reason: the Secession in 1861, Coahuila y Tejas, “sundown towns”, concealed guns on campuses, gerrymandering, death penalty for children and the mentally impaired, Memucan Hunt, Enron, 72-ounce steaks, you are a people run amok. Go, then, go resurrect ‘The Coalition Of The Willing” Texas-style, you know “the New Europe”? You can deregulate your air and your earth to your hearts content, name your fries with whatever goddamn modifiers suit your hillbilly sensibilities. Go, Texans! Go enjoy trying to create a currency that will be recognized by the global economy. Don’t forget to leave your Social Security and Medicare cards at the border.