Make some noise ladies, because we did it! We killed the patriarchy! We will ever have to live another day being talked down to, devalued, or raped. NEVER AGAIN. Well, haha, no, be we did go get our currency feminized, well sort of. ….still, at least it’s something — and women are real good at being grateful for the “at least it’s something” crumbs. And we only have to wait another five years for that female funny money, which is nothing compared to how long women had to wait for the right to vote. And the right to have their own bank accounts. Just One hundred years ago, women couldn’t vote. Just Fifty years ago, women couldn’t have credit cards in their own name. And in this, the year 2016, a mostly male Supreme Court heard arguments about whether the state of Texas, and thus the country, had the right to make it all but impossible for women to receive reproductive healthcare because male legislators consider vaginas inherently icky, and they believe women’s medical decisions are far too important to leave up to women. For their own good, of course. I for one am sick TO DEATH of listening whiny jackholes complain about how feminism has ruined manhood by daring to advocate for women to be treated as full-fledged human beings and not underpaid, overworked fetus incubators with no agency over their bodies and their reproductive decisions. If we’ve suffered through the worst year ever so that women will no longer feel like they have to keep silent about abuse, then it is worth the pain.
Also in the year 2016, our first female presidential candidate was accused of being a “witch”/ Yes, the lid was blown off Hillary Clinton’s involvement with a known child trafficker, thanks to a partnership between Wikileaks and the brave detectives of a rabid pro-Donald Trump group on Reddit. Google hashtag “spirit cooking”.
In the past year, Hillary Pantsuit Clinton travelgated to Whitewater to drown-murder Vince Foster in a menopausal rage, with her headband. She killed those embassy officials with her literal vagina, swallowed them up whole, then private-jetted home from Benghazi to lie about four dead Americans, in her secret email server lair to her spirit cooking buddies pals while watching “Nurse Jackie” and snacking on the fingers and feet of fetuses. She’s too old, too short, too shrill, she’s been around too long and done too much, and she’s accomplished nothing except marrying well. She is the anti-christ in a pantsuit.
But tomorrow, the aforementioned anti-christ – Madam First Lady Senator Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton Esquire – will make some motherfuckin’ history, y’all. She will be our POTUS and in, like, a landslide.
So can we fucking acknowledge the history of the moment – which we were not allowed to do when she became the first female nominee for a major party (No, Jill Stein does not count), because something something Bernie – because HOLY SHIT THIS IS A BIG DEAL. And if you don’t think so, well go fuck your life with a rusty tire iron because one of the most revolting things men and white people, and, well, straight people — any fucking powerful, privileged group — can do is act like it’s somehow unserious to acknowledge that history has, in fact, been made.