Fuck the “Confederacy”. Fuck ’em all to hell. We should have cut them loose when they wanted out. But no, we had to kill half a million people to keep them in our very special Union. Fighting for the right to enslave an entire race of people – yeah, those are states we want to keep. Since then, those states that seem more and more like a place in Lovecraft’s works, a backwards, degenerate race of people given over to cruelty and madness, worshiping their deformed gods amid a pile of bones, skin and ichor, working to bring about the end of the humanity with the return of their evil masters.
You have proven yourselves to be treasonous, UnAmerican monsters over and over. You whined and got your special three-fifths shamefully written into the constitution. When you didn’t get their way and wouldn’t go along with democracy, you tried to secede. Despite the clear separation of church and state, you continue to inject your politicized religion into teaching science, or treating all couples equally under the law, demanding that government and society be bent and limited by your psychotic religious ideas.
And we’re the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really? Just because those that fought under that freak flag were fighting to own slaves should be no reason whatsoever for us to be offended? I can’t think of any reason at all. Except perhaps that the War of Northern Aggression was the only one where the military has actually bled for the Constitution. Not the Confederates — no, they were traitors to the Constitution, they were the ones who did not want to part of the union that we created.
The first person who says “keep the gummint off my money” is going to get a donkey kick to the head. While more than half of our American U.S. states are good enough at math to conclude that free dollars from the federal government to give healthcare access to the non-rich is a really good deal, you fucknuts who are terrible at math and terrible at legislating and terrible in general still can’t quite add it up. Five years after passage of the ACA, some of you shit state are still outright refusing, free money. Which would be HI-larious, if the consequences weren’t so severe, that states who’ve happily sucked off the government teat for years are all of a sudden uninterested in federal dollars for poor people to be able to go to the doctor. Because those freedom-loving red states also happen to comprise America’s welfare states, deadbeat moochers, if you will — while blue states like California pay their bills for them, without obsessing over what poors eat, or don’t eat, or where they buy food to eat, or whether they’re really poor enough to deserve to eat, or how best to humiliate them for wanting to eat, and dictating what kinds of food they can buy or demanding they piss in cups to prove we’re not junkies. You are heartless, irresponsible, uncaring, greedy, weasel-brained, sticky-fingered hypocrites who could be focusing on jerbs Jerbs JERBS but instead choose to, as hire one half of the poor people to go to war against the other half.
Nearly every single Red State in the Union could not exist as a economic or political unit if it wasn’t for MASSIVE infusions of Blue State money via the federal government. Every. FUCKING. Year. It is a direct and incontrovertible redistribution of wealth generated by effete, hat-wearing, latte-guzzling, Obama-loving coastal liberal elites to the truly independent “salt of the earth” Palin-esque Real-Americans of the “heartland”. We live in the actually productive, the first-world parts of the country, not the “banana republic” crap-holes with a minimal middle class, and no workforce that can produce high value in high volumes. Just more “southern exceptionalism”.
See fuckers, the thing about wishing the federal government would just go away also means that you can’t have a lot of the nice things that the jackbooted thugs provide, unless you pay for them yourself. And your shit state can’t, can it? Because: tax base — and your state’s own idiotic “job-attracting”. Worse, your assbackwards thinking has spread to states like Arizona, Utah, Idaho and Alaska, who can use their disproportionate representation in the Senate and the Electoral College to get us elite, productive parts of the US to continue subsidizing them. What are we doing other than not letting you stand on their own two fckng feet and keeping your unearned meal ticket flowing?
Let’s look at your example of good ol’ American self-reliance: Sarah Palin is exactly what happens when one of you – you know, some ignorant white trash, wins the lottery: total excess, ending in bankruptcy. her behavior is exactly like that of a gangsta-rapper who briefly hits the big time and immediately covers themselves in golden trinkets. Alaska, one of the biggest welfare queens in America, doesn’t know what the hell to do with itself. On the one hand, that oh-so-independent rugged maverick wild frontier state already has its grubby little hands out for Washington DC’s charity, instead of pulling itself up by its own bootstraps. On the other hand, Alaska is SO independent and also too hates the president, like, extra hard. What to do, what to do. Hey Alaska, would you like some money for Obamaroads and Obamabridges? How about some Obamaoil from the Arctic sea? Natural Obamagas, all you can drill, go ahead and take it. Free. Hey, where you going? Don’tcha want it?
Tell you what, we’ll agree to refund all Federal tax and other revenue collected from your residents and businesses if you’ll agree to repay all Federal funding you’ve accepted, since the beginning of the Obamacracy. To make things simple, we’ll apply the same discount rate for both. Then we’ll take the windfall and throw a big national party at your expense (and buy lots of things we want with it too, like debt-reduction, housing, trains, more Obamacare). Because all those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy bridges and interstates that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane, remember YOU chose to build on a fucking crocodile swamp. “Let the Spanish keep it”, we said, “it’s a shithole,” we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice. Maybe I wouldn’t be so fucking “arrogant” if I wasn’t paying for your fucking bridges, . You see, it isn’t YOUR money, fuckfaces, it’s OUR fucking money. What was that Real American Value you are always argle-bargling about? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking traffic lights. Deliver your own fucking mail.
The statehouses of your stupid southern states continue to fly that dumb fucking Treason Flag, celebrating a long-dead nation that got stomped like an anthill in the path of a marauding band of five-year-old Ritalin junkies. The Lost Cause flag at the South Carolina state Capitol building continues to fly, even after Dlyannnnn Roof did his part for White Nationalism. Because The South Shall Rise Again, or at least spend another century being real fucking bitter about that time it got its ass kicked by the United States and couldn’t have slaves anymore, and then it was forced to integrate its pools and schools, boo-fucking-hoo. Another poor Red state living the trickle down dream…550000 people died fighting over the right to own another human being..well shucks sounds Christian to me.
If you say “it’s about Heritage, not Hate”, I am going to kick your rotting teeth in, because it’s pretty easy to argue if you sprinkle in enough denial and focus only on the romantic crap and if you can feel terribly aggrieved about the corrupt Yankees who “invaded” the South and spoiled all the good stuff. Just shunt slavery aside and pretend that the South seceded over tariffs or States’ Rights. It also helps if you can convince yourself that slavery wasn’t all that bad after all, or if you are persuaded that Big Government is just a new kind of slavery that has entrapped everyone. Suck it, everyone who waves the Confederate flag. You raised it to impose slavery, you killed hundreds of thousands of people to impose slavery, and you lost. All it represents is the dying embers of racial hatred. NEWSFLASH: The Confederates adopted that stupid flag. It wouldn’t be a symbol of anything if those racist fucks hadn’t deliberately selected it! To say it is a symbol of “heritage” is to admit that your heritage encourages enslaving and raping black people. All I can say is, in any other time in history, citizens who gives overt support to the cause of a failed rebellion whose partisans still commit acts of terrorism against the country to which they owe allegiance, would’ve received a traitor’s punishment. In merry olde England, why they might’ve been hanged, drawn, quartered and disemboweled for less. Y’all want to start another war, just keep on talking and deflecting. Something good might actually come out of that when we all get so furious that we come down and Reconstruct you all over again.
The relentless romanticizing of the Southern cause — state’s rights, the Old Noble Ways, the Southern Aristocracy, and the Fight for Freedom for whitey — BLAHBLAHBLAH SHUT THE FUCK UP. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. The romanticism of a Lost Cause ideology alive a century after the Confederacy and all its leaders and followers were dead and buried. Confederate sympathy in 2015 is a well-funded and active political movement – a lucrative Big Confederate Memorabilia.
It IS amusing, watching your people twisting yourselves into knots and bending over backwards to try to salvage your bankrupt worldview in the face of such an overwhelming shitload of raw truth. Racism and right-wing ideology go hand-in-hand. Your Republican Party is the natural refuge of racists and racists constitute its base. That’s the undeniable truth. Own it, motherfuckers. Own it.
Now why, I ask, when the great bastion of self reliance Texas – which relies on federal disaster funds more than any other state – had a giant flood, did they summon FEMA? Because, despite the fondest wishes of the patriotic citizenry has not yet severed Texas from the rest of the nation, curiously enough, not issuing orders for the Texas Guard to monitor federal aid workers for possible signs that they might impose martial law on the state, even though it is well known that FEMA exists largely for the purpose of taking away patriots’ guns and herding conservatives into railroad cars to take them to detention camps in closed-down Walmarts. warning that “Communist Cells” are being activated all across America to foment “civil unrest to usher in total control via U.N. troops,” as if floods in Oklahoma and Texas were somehow a natural phenomenon. Which is just nuts, because if there’s anything we’ve learned from you dumb hillbillies, it’s that nothing ever just happens — it’s all part of a seamless conspiracy to destroy freedom and place humanity under the thumb of the New World Order.
And poor old Texas, they had to bravely defend itself against the mandatory cock-sucking that Obama has imposed un the state, in violation of its “sovereignty”, by record number of bills. Good for you, Texas, we’re having the penis cake sent to you RIGHT NOW to celebrate your status as the most hateful legislature in America. Two guys fucking is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? It looks like you are pretty good at doing that on your own with your Southern Values = high divorce rate. Let’s talk about your Southern values for a fucking minute. If you claim you’re a “Christian”, there is no need to act like one, correct? Just declaring yourself as one immediately makes you infallible and not needing of self-reflection. Libtards got the values over you fucking Real Americans in SPADES. Every day of the goddamn week. While the Blue states are bust making money to send to you, The Bible Belt is doing their part divorcing, incesting, meth-making, murdering, hating. It’s the Red state way: if you don’t like it, kill it. If you don’t understand it, kill it. If you disagree with it, kill it. Kill em all, let God sort them out. Carry a gun, just in case, because you never know when you might need to kill something.
Oh, but that’s ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Yes, you’re fucking towers of moral superiority, talking about how you love yourself some Jeebus and that’s absolution for everything. Yeah, that’s a workable formula. Maybe us liberal elite heathen libtards don’t need to bore you about spirituality all the fckng time because we’re not so busy fucking people over? We aren’t trying to deny our fellow humans dignity every fckng day of our lives. Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you’re too busy with a tax-subsidized Creation Museum, or erecting giant stone tablets of the 10 Commandments on public property to commemorate the clear intent of the Christian Founding Fathers to establish a theocracy, since that was working so well elsewhere in the space-time continuum.
We should have hung every last one of you treasonous pieces of shit after we kicked your asses in the Civil War. Is this where term “Blow Back” originated? I’m tired of dragging you motherfuckers into modern day society. It’s like driving on one flat tire!!! One way or another, the social, political, and economic gridlock that’s paralyzing this country will break… let’s acknowledge the Rebel elephant in the room. This union of ours, based on such diametrically opposed approaches to societal organization — uncompromising Beyond bizarre manifestations of Biblical literalism versus protean secular law — is like a shitty marriage that needs to end in order to save the children from turning into the same dysfunctional assholes as the parents.
If the South had been allowed to break off, would it have become a civilized, French colony – America’s Morocco – a land of sophistication and fine food, untangled in American politics? Uh…NO, because you are in the bottom of every metric one can measure a state by: education, life expectancy, income, employment, etc etc. Take Mississippi, America’s worst state. First in ignorance, first in poverty, and last in the hearts of the rest of us – created so Texas and South Carolina wouldn’t feel so bad. It also has the fattest children on Earth. We could very easily replace the lost oil from that BP well in the Gulf of Mexico by simply tapping the fat from Mississippi’s children.
Is there really any more of a reason to expect you idiots will start evolving and cooperating with the rest of the country than there was in 1860 or 1960? Time to go our separate ways and pursue separate destinies. Free of Southern obstructionism, the rest of us could have cleaner air, high-speed trains, Keynesian economics, fixed potholes, renewable energy, smart kids, and single-payer national healthcare, and the South, free of Washington interference, could finally prove to the rest of us morons that prosperity flows from eliminating impediments like unions, burdensome regulations and taxes, and the culture of dependency fostered by entitlement programs. After a while, Americans would start thinking of the South as another Mexico, only with an even more corrupt government.
The Confederacy: this gravy train is fucking over. Take your racist, science-denying, liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your fat white asshole.
Oh, and also, as we always note on solemn occasions like this, every candidate for the GOP nomination can go fuck themselves. You are revolting human beings. Wouldn’t want to leave that unsaid.