IN 2014, Barack Hussein Obama took literally ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND vacation days, on top of the Dome of the Rock, and in Mecca, where he whiled away his days in luau costume, making poi from the blood of the children of Republican donors. He signed 3500 bills into law using a secret magic pen and without reading any of them. As a result, abortion is now legal everywhere for everyone EXCEPT rape victims, who are forced to bear their doomchildren and use Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann as doulas. Also, all the roads in Real Amurka must be paved with candy and Mountain Dew so that even your stupid bloated SUV gets Type II diabetes. Happy New Year, fuckfaces. Those of you unfortunate enough to live in places like Colorado, please enjoy being frozen in 17 degree below temps and buried by a blanket of poison snow. Remember, in the upcoming year, to take personal responsibility, and don’t expect government-paid union thugs to come fight your battles.