We can all agree that the world is becoming increasingly inhospitable to asshole dictators.
When Laurent Gbagbo refused to accept defeat in the Cote D’Ivore elections of 2010 and systematically started murdering 3,000 of his rival’s supporters, the International Criminal Court literally sent someone down there to winkle him out of his presidential bunker and get him on an airplane, where his surprise arrest warrant was issued. The 69-year old is currently on trial by the ICC for crimes against humanity. Mr Gbagbo is the first former head of state to be detained by the ICC, although Slobodan Milosevic of Yugoslavia and Liberia’s Charles Taylor were tried by special courts in The Hague.
Here are six people I’d like to see tricked into a one-way ticket to the Netherlands:
- Bashar al-Assad, Syria Dude. Enough is enough. You inbred elf looking motherucker. Putin friending you doesn’t change the fact that you are murdering your citizens daily in order to stay in power. UN Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights, said the scale and viciousness of the abuses being perpetrated by both sides in the conflict almost defies belief. Horrific photos and videos from Syria showed scores of bodies, including many children, lined up in field hospitals and morgues in the eastern suburbs of Damascus. Opposition spokesmen said they were evidence of a massive chemical weapons attack by the al-Assad regime. OK, sure they may be dying, but do they have oil? Because if not, we have other things to do. The problem is that Syria has the backing of Putin, who has been seeking confrontation with the US for quite a while now. Also I think the Syria air force probably has the ability to shoot down our drones.
Omar al-Bashir, Sudan President al-Bashir of Sudan, presides over a little region called Darfur. An Islamist who seized power in a 1989 coup, he describes the newly minted South Sudanese regime as an “insect” that must be eliminated. Four and a half million people terrorized, raped, murdered. An arrest warrant has been issued for al-Bashir by the ICC, and other heads of state are refusing to let him attend conferences on their soil. He implemented a “100 percent” Islamic constitution as a result of the secession in 2011 of the mainly non-Muslim south of Sudan. All of the charges against Mr. Bashir are linked to the conflict in western Darfur, where an estimated 300,000 people have died and more than two million have been uprooted by almost a decade of fighting between the government and rebels.
Mahinda Rajapaksa, Sri Lanka This island in the Indian Ocean should be a paradise. Perfect weather, incredible beaches, cool, Buddhist culture. Instead, they had a million year civil war followed by heavy shelling of civilians, featuring a video of a naked and bound 12-year-old boy and the denial of food and humanitarian resources into areas devastated by conflict. It is alleged that under Rajapaska’s rule, Sri Lanka hs become a nasty, authoritarian quasi-rogue banana republic. Their freedoms of the press are rated lower than Saudi Arabia’s.
Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe I can not believe this at idiot is still alive. His hands may not be as bloody as the rest of fine old cannibals on this list, but he deserves jail for something equally evil: cold hard greed. While his country is one of the poorest on Earth (even though it’s one of the most minerally rich), he has raped his people’s resources to the tune of a personal fortune estimated at $2.5 billion US — while his people live on less than $2 a day. He’s clung to power for more than 30 years.With 23 years in power under his belt, he is behind only Castro and Qaddafi as the longest-sitting dictator in the world. It’s hard to believe this weird, effete, little man, was one of the world’s most ruthless despots, “a caricature of an African tyrant,” in the words of Desmond Tutu. He travels in his custom, armored $900,000 black Mercedes-Benz, with punctureproof tires, with sirens blaring in a 24-car motorcade of armored 4x4s, motorcycles, and military vehicles, which Zimbabweans have dubbed “Bob and the Wailers.” Mugabe also has his own choir, a small coterie of women who attend his arrivals and departures, trilling and dancing, in dresses made of fabric emblazoned with his stupid face.
George W. Bush / Dick Cheney Despite the indictment by that citizen’s panel in Kuala Lumpur, Bush and Cheney will never come to justice in my lifetime— especially if they all move to their new Paraguay War Crime Safehouse. They ordered the deaths of between 1 and 600,000 Iraqis, on false pretenses, all for George’s dry-drunk machismo and Halliburton’s bottom line. Cheney has a completely nonpartisan approach to national security, which always amounts to “Give my friends shitloads of money and then who cares what happens.” Anything else is clearly endangering our country, making us look bad and hurting us in the eyes of our allies.9/11, the financial collapse, the housing bubble, the strutting around on the aircraft carrier, letting North Korea develop nuclear weapons or goading the Georgian president into defying Putin, or any of the other singularly horrific disasters those shameless rectal clots inflicted on this nation. Their ethos is as un-American as that of anyone who has ever hid behind the curtain of some all-powerful enemy. And yet that enemy was two dipshits in a cave, for which they rescinded half the rights precious to Americans.Just the thought of Dick Cheney’s ancient visage sneering at all of us from the crypt where he hangs out in between feedings is enough to send me into apoplectic shock, argle barging about how how John McCain is right that we should bomb the ever-loving shit out of some Syrians because his bloodlust is never sated, and also that we should have sent the entire Sixth Fleet to BENGHAAZI!!1!! By which point we had stopped listening and laid down on our nice kitchen floor until the blood vessels in our eyes stopped exploding. Not only is this shitface not rotting in a cell in the Hague, he doesn’t have the decency to stay the fuck out of the public eye for the rest of eternity. These omitous war criminals are welcomed, time and time again, to shill their books, trash the Democratic President, “filling the ole coffers” because fucking idiots pay them to speak. Wingnut Welfare at work. In between his usual daily activity of disemboweling virgins and feasting on their bloody entrails for sustenance, Dickface Cheney gets to opine on American politics on teevee. This draft-dodging cretin has spent his entire professional life grifting the US Treasury and when he got sick enough to finally die he got himself a good ol’ socialized medicine taxpayer funded army hospital organ transplant. Dick Cheney only exists to give cardiologists a reason for concern. There can be no other point to his continued occupation of space in the universe.
It might take another generation for the US to come to grips with just what the fuk Amerikkka turned into under the GeeDub and Cheney The Dick regime, and it will have to be something we do ourselves because we must, as a nation, come to terms with our own culpability. While you and I were snarking and voting and fighting the whole thing in whatever way we could there were many millions of Americans who were game for the whole misadventure. Maybe some day there’ll be a “truth and reconcilliation” commission to uncover just what those evil fuks did to us and the world. We never had a real 9/11 investigation, and it’ll be harder to get answers as time goes by, especially since all of the evidence was immediately removed from the crime scene and destroyed.