Fine Art.

I love a good “Fine Art Company”. Here is one of my favorites, the McNaughton Fine Art Company. Great American Republican Artist Of America Jon McNaughton is an American Patriartist, and he can paint up a storm! His fields of expertise are:

That’s a lot to be an expert of! I only had time to delve into a few McNaughtons, the guy is so prolific! He even has time to provide an “answer key” in the form of rollover text on all the images. Yowza! On the one hand, I find these kind of diseased minds frightening. On the other hand, they are dangerously perverse while still being utterly ludicrous. This “artist” has such a vivid imagination and clear mental illness. But you decide!

This one, naturally, is called “One Nation Under Socialism”.

Who doesn’t dream of a President with fingers of asbestos-coated steel?! Seriously though, McNaughton’s POV problems might be excused if his work wasn’t just sub-mediocre dreck. I mean, that doesn’t even look anything like Obama. I thought it was my dad!  So what does it mean, this work of paintery in which Barack Obama is just stone cold lightin’ the Constitution on fire? Jon McNaughton will answer all of your questions in the provided actual Answer Sheet.

Perhaps I will paint a picture of McNaughton burning a dictionary, from which he would otherwise have been able to learn what the word “socialism” actually means.  Or maybe someone should paint a picture of me burning a McNaughton painting. And then he would paint a picture of White Jesus burning THAT painting. And then a Margaret Keane painting of a sad girl burning the White Jesus burning DrunkIrishman burning the McNaughton painting…At which point Zombie Thomas Kincade would show u[ and spoil everybody’s fun. You’d have so much fire and flame at that point, and so much absurdity, that Zombie Kincade might be just the man to do it. 

This next paint smithery is called “The Empowered Man”.

The Empowered Man looks so much like an ex boyfriend, who never had one job on account of a trust fund and who only painted self portraits, that it’s hard to get past. According to McNaughton, the Empowered Man is supposed to support freedom and oppose unconstitutional actions – by attacking government welfare programs, regulations, taxes and spending in general. Which are completely constitutional and do not harm freedom in any way, and in many cases enhance it. He does not know what freedom means, nor what the constitution says.Our bro-hero straight-up took the Constitution from under Obama’s feet so James Madison, Reagan and the other Founders could jack off to it.

Look at the defeated Obama and his giant hands! It’s like he is imploring “Bro, bro, that’s the Constitution, chill for a sec, that thing is 230 years old. You know there’s a reason we keep it in an environmentally sealed case.” “Back off, watermelon man”. “Cool, cool, just bring it back”. “No.”

Not to be a total creep, but goddammit you’re not going to see crepuscular clouds looking at the south portico of the White House. Looks like sunset over the north pole. Jesus, you’d think these people went to a Christian school or something, with their scientific illiteracy.

On the bright side, McNaughton made FDR walk again! Yep. FDR is standing and looks like he’s about to spark a doobie. FDR must have been returning from a tent revival! The roll-text on McNaughton’s site for Roosevelt condemns his taking Amercia off the gold standard and expanding the role of the Federal Reserve, so really our hero ought to be clutching a bunch of gold coins with Ron Paul’s face on them. I guess McNaughton was on a short deadline and couldn’t get that in there. The fact that FDR and JMK successfully put into practice a theory of monetarism that saved the country from economic collapse must really stick in McNaughton’s craw.

Those are the tax dollars he gets to keep because Abraham Lincoln, part author of the Constitution, wants him to be free. Apparently, those dollars are the moneys he collected from all the bleeding heart liberals who thought he was homeless and destitute. In his left hand he clutches dollars he picked up off the ground. He has done his part to stop the decline of our currency. All of us must do our part if we wish to save our country. Picking dollars off the ground will restore our currency! Pick dollars off the ground, Amercia! That sounds suspiciously like an admission that the Keynsian principle of putting more money into circulation in order to combat recessionary periods is correct.

Or perhaps pour hero bro is holding a wad of cash in his hands because he already sold the Bill of Rights to the Koch brothers, and he is now bidding off the Constitution itself.

Once you start looking, the thing is just lousy with howlers: like Clinton is holding in his right hand the newspaper with the headline reading FAILL…Fail? Fellatio? Is it a French newspaper reporting on a terrible earthquake along the Faille San Andreas?

Notice how Ronny Raygun is shoved between Lincoln and Washington. This goes beyond artistic license. Lincoln and Washington would have kicked Ronnie’s face in given his actions in Grenada as he didn’t seek approval of Congress to start that war.

 

Who is the fellow having the kneeling orgasm underneath the Constitution? Is that Ron Paul? I looked it up and oddly ( because I can’t find any historical basis for this behavior ) it’s James Madison….

 

 

 

 

 

And then there’s GWBush over there on the right side of the painting  with Clinton, LBJ, FDR, Woodrow Wilson, and Obama. Here, let’s shove Bush onto the side with all the Demon-crats.

Even in this right-wing artrocity W’s standing there like the soul-sapped, friendless, demented loon that he is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You were wrong, art school oil painting teacher, it is possible to make a painting in ALL CAPS! Here we have “Obamanation” or, the “Garden of Earthly Delights for Wingnut Douchebags.” This painting depicts President Obama standing on a podium, presiding over a terror-wracked deathscape Sharialand populated by Nidal Hassan, Osama Bin Laden, a Fort Hood tombstone, a trashcan representing the Solyndra scandal, unemployed brown people, and toilet humor he used at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. And much, much, more. What’s lacking here are the womenfolk! That’s because Mr McNaughton is coming from the Republican’s most honest side with its best symbol of all – not a female American in the whole group! Not even being a slut or a murdering rape victim. Just, invisible, like we are supposed to be.

O brave new world, that has no women in it!

Check out McNaughton’s lengthy, not retarded description of the work, (which you can get a print of for just $39!) According to McNaughton, the painting contains “sixty symbols” of “the subtle, mindless, radical and dangerous atrocities of the Obama administration.” Mr. McNaughton says that he produced this work in “an undisclosed studio” so he could “paint privately, without interruption” and possibly because he is such a powerful enemy of socialism that he feared Obama’s death drones would vaporize him with their abortion lasers.

But Mr. McNaughton is not afraid of criticism! He also has a challenge — nay, a DARE — for the viewer, and this challenge is far more intellectually challenging than the challenge of finding Waldo!

To those who scoff or wish to trivialize this painting, I challenge you… I DARE YOU… study the links of the various symbols and metaphors that you see. There are over 60 in the painting. No person can analyze this image and learn about these facts and still, in good conscience, vote for Obama in 2012…take the Challenge! If you still choose Obama, congratulations…you’re a part of the Obamanation.

If only people would open their eyes to Mr. McNaughton’s obvious truths! I find his earnest certainty of this rather endearing, because it reminds me of that one time I repeatedly posted an image of Mitt Romney strapped to the roof of his car with a funny caption on my blog and then all my communist friends knew they should not vote for Mitt Romney.

There is so so much subtlety in this painting. I’d like to point out to McNaughton, artist to artist, that cramming too many “symbols” into a single image can lead to idiocy like this:

You will notice that the oil spill quietly funnels into a crack in the ground and eventually leads to small green sprout. Just as the oil will eventually become clean waters and wetlands again, so shall our country become clean again. But this may, like the small sprout, require an act of God. SCIENCE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!

There is a bridge in the upper right corner! “Bridge (You didn’t build that!). Yes, President Obama, I painted this by myself.” Yes, because painting an image of a bridge is exactly like how entrepreneurs build their own bridges and roads and…uh…this doesn’t even make sense as a misquote of Obama, does it? And there’s a plane flying into one of the towers, because Obama did that.

Here is Mittens, kneeling for some reason behind Obama’s shoe-desecrated desk and holding a $1 bill, which The Artist says is “to imply—lets talk about saving our economy!” Riiiight. Oh, also, Obama eats dogs but hypocritically joked about Seamus.

And because there are too many wonderful things embedded in this painting to discuss, there is a rollover explanations on Mr. McNaughton’s fine-art painting thing and a video that you can laugh at.

Regardless of what the subtitle says, I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be me with a shovel..except I’d be sitting next to that beer-summit cop with that pitcher of Tecate. The point, of course, being that I need this painting in your salon immediately. Not a print, but the fine oil original.

Okay things are about to get real.

This one’s called “The Runaway Slave,”  “Runaway” is a reference to his escape from the plantation of government dependency, and “Slave” is a reference to him, you know, being black.

Also, you should definitely appreciate the subtle metaphors at work here, like how the slave guy can afford a wristwatch but still has to use a torch. It means ….they have escaped Washington DC and finally escaped to….DIXIELAND!! They can sell that watch for a free ride to Baltimore…or maybe West Dixieland….to mine coal….or whatever.

Pretty easy to escape the shackles of slavery when the leg iron is like 2x as wide as your leg, amiright??

Hidden in the imagery are the angry white people who cut the edumkashun taxes to gut the public skule systems because they hate teachers and having the tinted peoples go to the same skulez as their precious. But, come on, now, if those folks were behind the Lincoln Memorial in real life, they would be in the middle of the Potomac. It’s art, man. It all means… something….I

Honestly, i’s pretty unlikely McNaughton has ever seen a black person, or the Potomac, or the Memorial Bridge, or Capitol Hill. But if you take these things at his word, then those people are marching into a graveyard at night – Arlington Cemetary (which already has an eternal flame,  thanks).

Really, this “painting” is right up there with the one of the dogs playing cards. Difference being that painting of the dogs has survived as a populist image for decades but this dreck will be forgotten in a matter of a couple of years.

Here McNaughton is depicting the actual divine event that took place during the summer of 1787, when Jeebus flew to Philadelphia from his ice cave on Uranus to deliver the U.S. Constitution to some 6-year old before an audience consisting of George Washington, Mister Hollywood, Liberal News Reporter, Satan, and others. Of course McNaughton has included, for each character: Alt-Text. Descriptive Alt-Text. move your cursor over the painting for explanations of the individual characters portrayed. It’s worth it.

Maybe we can all chip in our daily cocaine allowance and commission Mr McNaughton to paint a picture of George W using the Constitution to wipe his ass. And yes, by “ass” I mean Dick Cheney. Seriously, though, Jon McNaughton just paints what he sees. And judging by the apparent popularity of his work with at least some segment of Real America, his optic nerve is wired directly into the right-wing id. Still, one wonders: is it possible that McNaughton, The Carravagio of the sewers, may at some point commit an act of artistic overreach, auteur- centered hagiography, a hubristic mess like Michael Cimino’s Heaven’s Gate, or Kevin Cosner’s Waterworld ? or Kanye West’s Yeezus? How much is too much, McNaughton? How much is too much?

Thus ends today’s “Today in Art.”