The time has arrived, as it does every year, for America to be besieged by that familiar and insidious enemy: Christmas. Krisss-miiissss. Begun, the Christmas Wars, have. Around the nativity scene, a perimeter, create! We have endured its tyranny for 2,000 years, with its manger scenes, its mall Santas’ bearded occupation of Sears stores nationwide. We have suffered it flaunting its influence from the fiberglass pine trees in living-room windows across our land, the incessant, joyless and perfunctory jingling – mocking us, the hijacking of the radio waves for reindeer idolatry and the glorification of virgins like Communist indoctrination, played ALL F#$%ING DAY.
I shall suffer it no longer. Though its supporters have long bemoaned “attacks” on this, the worst of all seasons, Christmas has never felt my wrath, and the power of the oppressed masses. We shall rise up. We shall fight back. I know it’s late, but We shall, officially, declare war on Christmas (and, clearly, with all the loot we’ll be taking home, the War on Christmas will surely pay for itself).
We know where the items of mass consumption are. They’re in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat. Reporters will head there and find only old, shuttered Walmarts, the bombed out shells of Chick-fil-A restaurants and abandoned Twinkies factories. I laid siege to the Honeybaked Ham Shop already this morning. It was hell, and I had to carry my comrade out barely alive. Crusty honey glaze flying like shrapnel everywhere. I sit here picking the shards of slivered almonds from detonated Hickory Cheese Balls™ from my burnt and bloody arms. It’s hell, boys, but I’ll go back in to stop the Peanut Pie Holiday Gift-basket from being delivered to another innocent. I received a “Harry & David ham” yesterday. I put it in the backyard and safely detonated the sodium nitrate laden mass. The blast site will be contaminated for years, but the saturated fat alone in that thing, would have sent many a comrade to an early painful death. LET THERE BE CANDY-CANE COLORED MUSHROOM CLOUDS !!1
I’m ready for this War. I know how to defeat the enemy, “Christmas.” Let them turn it into an empty, materialist shell and a soulless amalgamation of various pagan traditions sculpted by the worst elements of America into a corporate-whipped mob of fear and shopping. In other words, leave it in the hands of the Christians. My peace-loving bf says no need for a war. Just remind your fellow materialistic Christian Black Friday shoppers that Santa , the trees, the mistletoe, the candy, the presents, etc, are all pagan traditions that have nothing to do with Jesus. Remind the wingnut Defenders of Christmas that the only part of Christmas they seem to fucking care about is the pagan iconography and the orgy of consumerism. If they ACTUALLY practiced the religious aspect they wouldn’t be shitting themselves over stores saying “Happy Holidays” they would be happy about it preserving the ‘religious’ side of Christmas. That’s pretty much the fun of this war…watching wingnut faces become so red their eyes can barely be held in sockets as a result of the massive blood pressure.
“The sleigh is riding majestically toward us, like some great feather, riding as though it was mighty– mighty proud of the place it’s playing in this world holiday. The reindeer are practically standing still now. Santa has dropped the reins; the gifts are being unloaded by a number of elves. It’s starting to snow; the snow had slacked up a little bit. The sleigh is….It’s burst into flames! Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Get this, Hermie! It’s on fire and it’s crashing, it’s terrible, the sleigh is burning, bursting into flames, Santa is falling, the reindeer…the reindeer are on fire, they’re burning, this is the– the worst catastrophe, ladies and gentlemen…..”
OK, everybody just chill the fuck out – Hillary just negotiated a cease-fire.