“I WILL KEEP AN EYE ON THE SITUATION,”
Bill O’Reilly promised his beleaguered fans, kicking off his annual focus on The Great War, a beloved and revered holiday tradition on the scale of Black Friday, an overwrought spectacle lamenting the supposed “secular-progressive” conspiracy to end Christmas.
The War on Christmas was not spurred by any one event — the long-simmering conflict saw the decline of relations every holiday season, with Christmas making significant mall-santa-incursions in some years, and lawsuits and injunctions beating it back in others. This year, Christmas was caught off-guard by a preemptive strike when in March, Sarah Palin announced her stupid book, “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas”. Mooselini wrapped herself in the flagness of a Christmas book before the dust had settled on the non existent War on Easter. It was already ridiculous when the $eason for the $eason expanded from its original post-Thanksgiving start date and crept all the way up to Halloween, but….March?
Always behind the curve and the 8-balls, Frumious Bandersnatch Sarah Palin, whilst brillig in the slithy toves, managing to take a topic so over-done, so hackneyed, so stale, that even the horse is glad it’s dead – and make it even dumber. She jumped the shark and lion tank on Fonzi’s motorcycle with Cousin Oliver, The Great Gazoo and Scrappy Doo sitting behind her, shrieking,
“The War on Christmas is the tip of the spear in a larger battle to secularize our culture!”
Go, Bill, go Sarah!! EVERYONE says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”, and now the whole country is Scrooged!! Still, it’s been a few minutes since Sarah has said anything this nonsensical. But that’s our Sarah, using an attack of the most conventional Christmas weapon: nonsense.
“This will be a fun, festive, thought provoking book, which will encourage all to see what is possible when we unite in defense of our faith and ignore the politically correct Scrooges who would rather take Christ out of Christmas.”
Palin’s book will also “share personal memories and traditions from her own Christmases and illustrate the reasons why the celebration of Jesus Christ’s nativity is the centerpiece of her faith.” Here’s hoping there’s a pic of when the unmarried and knocked-up Bristol got to play Mary that one year when Sarah wasn’t hoggin’ up all the baby-making.
Meanwhile over at Fox Nation’s dedicated War on Christmas page, you can read about such Christmas destroying events as Toys ‘R’ Us’ decision to use a gender-neutral Christmas catalogue in Sweden (headlined, “A Gender-Neutral Christmas?”), “Seniors Outraged Over Christmas Tree Basuch”, a Festivus pole made from Pabst Blue Ribbon cans that has Boobs Gretchen Carlson totes freaking out over the “satanic” six foot tall bear can pole:
“Whyyyy do I have to drive around with my kids to look for a nativity scenes and be, like, ‘Oh, yeah, kids, look, there’s baby Jesus behind the Festivus pole made out of beer cans! It’s nuts!!”
There’s a cool interactive map that lets us see where the latest challenges to religious freedom are taking place. And because it’s plainly obvious that Christians are being hate-crushed, having their beliefs beaten out of them by godless demons and Muslims, there’s Megyn Kelly, appalled by the proposition that Santa Claus, an entirely fictitious entity, doesn’t have to be white. You know what, Megyn? You want Santa? Take him. He is old, fat, white and lurves Christmas. It only makes sense that he’s a Republican anyway. Everybody knows that Christmas is a totally real, not-made-up-by-Hallmark holiday. Jesus was born on December 25th, Year Zero, and there were pine trees and stockings and eggnog and snow in the Middle East, for some reason, while blonde-haired, blue-eyed, English-speaking shepherds carried AR-15s and a fat white man in a red velvet suit blessed everything and lo, it became fact.
Bill O’Reilly devotes about three times more air time to his imaginary “War on Christmas” than to the actual wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. In December of 2011, O’Reilly spent roughly 42 minutes covering the “War on Christmas” and approximately 13 and a half minutes covering the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. “Nobody sticks up for Christmas except me”, he whines. The war in Bill’s head has been going on since the turn of the century, when on his syndicated radio show he intoned darkly,
“The small minority that is trying to impose its will on the majority is so vicious, so dishonest — and has to be dealt with…..”
During his radio broadcast, when a caller who identified himself as Jewish complained about “the secularization of Jews and about Christmas going into schools,” O’Reilly shot back that:
“Overwhelmingly, America is Christian. And the holiday is a federal holiday honoring the philosopher Jesus. So, you don’t wanna hear about it? Impossible! And that is an affront to the majority. You know, the majority can be insulted, too! And that’s what this anti-Christmas thing is all about. Come on, if you are really offended, you gotta go to Israel!”
Recently, O’Reilly was boiling mad over ESPN rejecting an ad because the use of the word “Jesus” was “problematic” – despite the fact that when the taped segment aired, Ghost Breitbart had already reported ESPN was going to air it after all. Nevertheless, O’Reilly was incensed the mention of Jesus was ever even considered controversial for ESPN in the first place. “Who are you pandering to?” he snarled at the Catholic hospital in question, “Don’t you people realized you’ve been insulted, your faith has been demeaned?” Oh, Bill! For most people, Christmas is a time of peace and joy, but for you, it’s another opportunity to snarl and sneer, another chance to wage an us-vs.-them cultural war, with you positioned as the lone ranger, stepping up to defend the baby Jesus.
I want to know who these people are that aren’t getting enough Christmas? Who among us can say that we are lacking Christmas crap paraded in front of our eyeballs, seared into our eardrums, stuffed into our bellies, or buzzed and blinked at with old fashioned, eleven-foot-tall multicolor light up inflatable Santa lawn globes?
My neighborhood is vomiting lights and plastic lawn shit, including that nadir of Christmas decorations, the giant inflatables. There’s a house on my street with one of those blow-up Santas – but on a motorcycle – on its roof. The hog-straddling Santa is only wearing the top half of his santa suit, the bottom half is wearing JEANS. Every time I pass it I wish I had guns so I could shoot it off the roof of that house. Nothing says “Xmas” like a motherfucking blow-up Santa on a Harley. Every store, mall, as well as a large percentage of public spaces are coated with lights and crap that signify specifically what holiday we are celebrating. People dressed as Santa are trolling around, right out in the open, and not persecuted. Nativity scenes are depicted on many private homes and businesses, unmolested.
Just about ever single American is forced into the spirit of the season to some degree. The only people who really are abused this time of year are Jews, Muslims, and atheists.
The persistence of the decorations is a sign that the Christianists themselves are the ones having the hardest time mustering any genuinely spiritual feelings about Christmas. All this protest at the “fragility of our politically correct age” is too much protest coming from a group that is all too aware of their own desperate emptiness regarding their calendar centerpiece. If they want to leave their crappy decorations up all year to make Christmas ubiquitous then it just becomes ever less meaningful.
If Bill O’Reilly, Sarah Palin, and the other generals in the War really want a fight, they should brush up on their Calvinism. The real American crisis over the holiday happened centuries ago, the attackers were the Puritans — they hated Christmas, especially the fun parts, and they were experts at fighting it.
Haven’t read it, but Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas is a stupid, hateful, thoughtless book which will force all to see what is possible when we unite in ignorance in defense of our belief in magical sky people and the blankeyed morons who have no clue that Christmas is actually more pagan holiday than Christian. Now, can we bomb the rail lines to Walmart?!
Let’s not forget how Bill O’Reilly wasted time covering Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan “mocking Christmas traditions in America”, because the minister said… wait for it…..
“There’s no such thing as Santa Claus”.
War is an open and declared armed, organized, and often, prolonged conflict that is waged between states, nations, or other parties typified by extreme aggression, social disruption, and usually high mortality. So no, alas, there is no “War on Christmas”, but yes Bill, there is a Santa Claus.
When the irrelevant get desperate, its time to fight straw-men, or things we put straws in, and what mythical enemy is more mythical than The War On Christmas! In a maniacal effort to appeal to the panic-stricken, anxiety-riddled, look-at-my-faith lording, self-pitying element of stupid white people upset about the blah President.
Comrades, the War on Christmas and all other things that are holy is a long slog. Stick with us, kid, keep your head down and you just may survive to see the end of this man’s war.