And you thought the standard uniform for CPAC goers was obnoxious t-shirts, bermuda shorts, colored socks and sandals, along with a slightly frayed cardigan sweater? Not this year, bitches.
You see, last year they almost ran out of the scratchy blankets they use to cover up women who come dressed as whores! How else can GOP men shame sluts for being so slutty, but not slutty enough to fuck them? Well, CPAC 2013 has hired teabaquettes to instruct all those CPAC-bound on how to dress – specifically how not to look like a whore. Fellas, don’t look like horrible slobs, womenz please stop being such whores and cover your filthy rump.
So, Gals, what are you allowed wear? Cardigans, “blouses”, blazers, “dress slacks” and pumps. What shouldn’t you wear? Oh, just a few things:
Jeans, “rompers”, halters, shorts – even “dressy” shorts- , strapless necklines, low-cut tops, t-shirts, miniskirts, leggings, sneakers, TOMS, Uggs.
If you’re a typical teabagger and therefore illiterate, there’s an infographic (left).
Fellas, what should you wear? Blazers, khakis, loafers. Dress like James O’Keefe – just not the one where he dresses like a pimp – or Tucker Carlson. Or just look in a 1953 Sears Catalog (that I know you have). Anything you see there is fine to wear. Including the tractors. Putting a suit on Mr. and Mrs. Wingnut-McMoron isn’t going to make them any smarter. Neither is wearing glasses, so don’t try that either.
There’s even an entire fucking Pinterest page of CPAC-appropriate outfits. No matter how hard you try to class it up, wingnutz, CPAC will always be the political equivalent of a Furry Convention.
This is actually truly, truly sad. They’ve lost every front in the culture war, and now they’re relegated to playing the overprotective mom to the younger members of their own party. You can’t lose much worse than that.
CPAC knows that Democrats are to blame for leading our fragile women folk into the arms of rapists with their sick promises of sinful bacchanalian parties and dastardly same-sex experimentation. Hence, CPAC 2013 should be a big, boring, mini-skirtless middle-school mixer, where losers spend their time sullenly blogging with Rick Santorum and Calista Gingrich. Stay safe this CPAC and ignore bars and parties for the safety of the convention restrooms where no sort of sexual impropriety can ever happens.
If you are still in doubt, visit People of Walmart for more Republican high fashion ideas.
As usual though, the racism, manichean eliminationism and power-and-moneywhoring will be naked.