I certainly don’t envy Iowans! How does one pick the biggest bible thumpin’ honkey douchebag dipshit in this utterly meaningless nationwide poll of primary preference/race to the bottom? On the one hand, you have a neat, pandering Mormon, a moderate Republican who has to lie to appear acceptably insane. On the other hand, you have a mental ward’s full of genuinely insane people; ego-imploded blood-diamond engorged grifter Gingrich; pill-addled, Bull Goose Loonie maniac, Michele Bachmann (just the fact that people don’t laugh so explosively that snot careens like a rocket when they mention her as a candidate, is a wonder); fetus-fetishizing inanimate carbon rod Rick Santorum – who surprises me every time he demonstrates that he can walk upright – and perma-tanned fucktard Rick Perry, literally virtually retarded and a total douche (although shooting a coyote, with a laser-sighted pistol and hollow-point bullets, while walking your dog, is totally awesome). Oh and Ron Paul. I mean, nice choices, GOP. Nice strategy, why don’t you dig up William Jennings Bryan and run him? I wouldn’t let any of these weirdos watch my dog, let alone run the country. This morning on NPR, someone said that this is proof that the Republicans realize that they have no chance to take back the White House, since none of the people that actually have a chance to win are running. I mean, people think Mittens Romney is “electable” because he seems to be the only candidate who is not a raging psychotic. Sure, he’s terrible and all, but in that old-fashioned Republican way, like Ronnie, with his superficially sunny disposition and ruthless political strategy of exploiting white-male resentments. The others, Jeebus, the thought of any of them with access to foreign leaders and nuclear weapons makes me want to barf.
The harbinger here is the fact that an election where Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are all in the running to win an office more important than Pooper-Scooper of Bumfuck County means the Republican Party is finally doing its Exxon Valdez impersonation and running aground on rocky shoals it ought to have seen coming well beforehand. But I could be wrong. We could all be horribly, horribly wrong.