Arizona and Oklahoma in a Hunger Games style fight to the death over what is least important to a functioning society.

by kara on April 15, 2012

Arizonans demand the right to drag their firearms around just about everywhere – including public buildings, where people sometimes go when they are angry or mentally ill and kill their co-workers and strangers…and the courts, where emotions run really high and embittered spouses are full of rage, but whatever. Arizona officials intend to be prepared for such tragedies by allowing every aforementioned Arizona co-worker, spouse and stranger to be ready to shoot back with his/her own personal death-maker. “I got this,” these sun-stroked vigilantes will be heard saying to trained police officers on the scene.

In Arizona – where there’s no such thing as “security guards” or “metal detectors”, and therefore really no way to prevent an armed madman from shooting up public buildings – it’s absolutely crucial to allow said madman to walk right in, and then turn around and hand out firearms to everyone else in an apocalyptic bid for some sort of personal-level mutually assured destruction.

The good people of Arizona just passed a law that “adds the requirement of having armed guards and metal detectors” — presumably in every public building in all of Arizona (no problemo for this lush and flush moneybags state). I have to assume that you’re not allowed in the building if you don’t have a gun. Perhaps they furnish you with one, like fancy restaurants do with jackets and ties.

Senator Al Melvin  – in defense of the law – says that guns bring out our natural animalistic tendencies. Because we are animals. You see, according to Melvin, society consists of three kinds of animal and I QUOTE:

“The unarmed sheep, armed sheep dogs — and the wolves who are the bad guys.”

WOLF METAPHOR LIBEL! No wolf has ever stalked a sheep, killed it, then claimed self-defense like these lunatics. The War on Wolves has got to stop.

More, actual quotes from the good Senator Melvin:

“It takes sheep dogs to protect the sheep from the wolves. And the more of us that have concealed weapon permits and take advantage of it, and with this type of legislation, we have a safer society”.

Senator, Steve Smith (not THE Steve Smith),  scoffs at the whole “this is gonna cost a zillion dollars” part of the equation:

“As far as I’m concerned, there is no cost too high to protect my constitutional rights”.


Remember folks, in Arizona, every unborn life is sacred. After that? Buy a gun. ‘Cause you’re on your own, infants, toddlers.

Meanwhile, Where the Wind Comes Sweepin’ Down the Plain, Okie lawmakers are discussing the right to the “open carry” of arms, which would allow residents with a permit to display their guns in malls, grocery stores, libraries, swimming pools, and anywhere else in public. As it pertains to TURKEYS. Apparently, wild turkeys are threatening the human animals, and the human animals who have gun permits see it as their right to display the weapons that are their God given right to carry with them everywhere. This is so that the wild turkeys running rampant across the state will SEE the threat of death holstered upon the humans and promptly turkey-trot off to safety.

This concerns Keith Barenberg, the president of the Oklahoma State Troopers Association who maintains that this will incite confrontations and could lead to loss of innocent life. The president of the Oklahoma Association of Police Chiefs furthers this sentiment:

“How do the first arriving officers know who the good guys are and who the bad guys are?”

Defendants of the new “open carry” bill, including Tim Gillespie, Director of the “Oklahoma 2nd Amendment Association” (yikes), puts it this way:


Senator Ralph Shortey, the same Republican Shortey behind the hilarious  “Ban Aborted Fetuses in Food” bill, and a bill which required presidential candidates to prove they are U.S. citizens, supports the Turkey Bill, arguing that folks in Oklahoma shouldn’t necessarily even need a gun permit, let alone be legally required to conceal their weapons. Shortey says:

“I was in oil and gas. I was out on a lease at one time and I got attacked by a turkey. Wait until you get attacked by a turkey. You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club. That was all I could do.

I wish that I had a gun with me. I started carrying a gun in my truck after that without a license because I didn’t want to get attacked by a mountain lion. Turkeys are bad enough.”

You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person.

Dude, it’s a turkey. Drop kick the motherfucker and get on with your fracking rodeo or whatever. I’m not sure that a guy that gets this scared by a freaking turkey should be necessarily carrying a gun around with him wherever he goes. Certainly not somewhere like a haunted house or a roller coaster! Or anywhere other than under the bed during thunder storms.

Maybe the turkeys will attack the wolves and the sheep dog will kill the turkeys and drag the carcasses of the wolves and turkeys back to the sheep and the sheep will have sex with the turkey and wolf carcasses while the sheep dogs snort gun oil off the turkey skull. Yep…sounds like Conservative lifestyle to me.

If I was governing some fantastic State, you wouldn’t qualify for a gun unless you could fight off a turkey without recourse to one. Because if you can’t outwit a wild fowl with a brain the size of a pecan, you have no fuckin’ business carrying something that can kill a person.


Previous post:

Next post: